Our Shattered Marriage (ON HOLD)

Chapter 5

NEHA
Dinner had long been served. Hadiya had not only eaten from Rafee, but insisted there was no better place to sleep than on his chest. Seriously. Was it a squishy pillow or something? Looked more like a stone to me.

I didn't even bother arguing, too tired to care. I did wonder though. Were my kids that desperate for a fatherly figure? Ramees wasn't all that bad with them. In fact, he seemed just fine. Though, their relationship was slowly getting worse.

After Musa's Quran teacher left, he also came rushing down the stairs, iridescent eyes focused solely on me. Air whooshed out of my body with the impact of that level of love and trust. How long had it been since anybody looked at me like that? Like I was the sun and they were in desperate need of my warmth.

And so I opened my arms wide just as he came rushing over to me, head tucked into my imperfect stomach, eyes wide with excitement as he told me just how much he'd learnt. My chest swelled with pride and my emotionless heart started to bloom a little.

I had to keep myself sane for a reason. I had to keep myself sane for my children. They needed me. It didn't matter that I also needed the love and support of my husband. My children required my time and efforts. They were my responsibility.

As if Musa heard my thoughts, he looked up at me in worry. But he couldn't form any words. He was still a child after all. He didn't know what to ask. But I know he worried for me. So I bent down and kissed either of his cheeks through my niqab—or well, this shawl that I had draped over my face.

Since, you know, Rafee was still sitting right there. My eyes drifted in their direction and I saw him quickly look back at whatever nonsense his brother was uttering. Unfortunately his brother happened to be my husband.

God. I was starting to hate him.

And that was a very, very bad sign.

Musa, seeing Rafee, cast me aside—wow, I'm hurt—and sprinted to where he sat, throwing himself at him. He let out a oomph sound but hugged him and settled his head under his other arm. Great. Both of them were glued to him.

It was almost around eight, these two munchkins had to be in bed half an hour ago, my husband was still sitting there arguing with his brother about work, making absolutely no sense to me. Me, ignorant and ugly.

Was it really a wonder Ramees was seeking attention elsewhere?

I mentally slapped myself for such thoughts. Twenty-five was old enough an age not to harbour such insecurities. Yet he forced them upon me. How could I bear my husband with another woman?

How could I survive my entire life with a man who had so soon abandoned me?

As if in reply to my question, Ramees called out to me. And no, it wasn't sweetie or darling or even an abbreviation of my name—he could've just done it for show in front of his younger brother—it was straight up,

"Listen?"

At first I wondered whether I should even bother and look him in the eye. But I did. I made sure my eyes pierced his. After days. So, so many days, I found an emotion other than plain nothingness in those almond irises. Rage.

Not at me, of course. At whatever was being discussed between them two.

Hope planted its seeds in my heart. I silently begged him to show me a sign. Just a teeny sign that he still cared, still felt something for me. I had spent years of my life on this man. We had shared our youth, been together through thick and thin. But no.

He had not an ounce of feeling on his face. Not a single thing indicating he even cared anymore. Whoever his lover was, she sure must really be beautiful.

I switched off all emotions, decided if he could do so, why couldn't I? I wasn't any less of a cold-hearted person. I knew how to draw walls around myself. I knew how to build a powerful fortress. I knew how to reciprocate nothingness.

What I didn't know was how to unlove. I could never look at his face without remembering my wasted youth. Was this the reason I skipped uni? This unhappiness had no end.

"NEHA?"

I swear he shouted but I calmly looked, patiently waited for him to continue.

"I asked where my food is,"

And so I smiled. I smiled so big I was afraid my mouth would fall off. It was an empty one, an angry, frustrated one. But I also turned. I turned and went into the kitchen, heated up the food and brought it to him.

I didn't even bother handing it to him. I just placed it far away from him, on some foreign table. I didn't care about the curious set of eyes staring at the two of us. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Do you want anything?" I asked Rafee, completely ignoring Ramees as he stumbled past me to get his plate of food. "Tea? Some more rice?"

He only shook his head, both of my children fast asleep in his arms. He held them so tenderly, gently caressing their hair with his giant hands. One would really wonder how they weren't his own children. Since their father seemed least bothered by their existence.

"I'll put them in their beds," I offered, taking a step forward but he stopped me in my tracks with a shake of his head, burgundy curls flying from side to side.

"I'll do it. First door up the stairs, right?"

"Yeah," I mostly whispered, not shocked Musa had given him a house tour.

He gently lay Musa on the sofa, took Hadiya into his strong arms and went upstairs. A minute later, he took Musa as well.

I stood like a dumb fool and mumbled a thank you once he returned. He only half-smiled.

"Ramees," he said, not addressing him as 'bhai' since there was an age gap of only two years. "I'm leaving. Don't forget to send me the samples by tomorrow morning."

Ramees's jaw only ticked but no reply emerged. Rafee didn't seem at all surprised and turned on his heel to leave but I said, rather harshly to Ramees,

"Won't you at least see him off?"

My husband slammed the plate on the table, spoon clanking, some rice falling out. My heartbeat kicked up and goosebumps erupted all over my body.

"Hey, calm down," Rafee said as Ramees stood and walked him out. "Don't take out your anger on her." He only barely whispered the last part from afar but I heard it.

How could two brothers be worlds apart, I wondered.

•••
So, guess who's back? 🙃