Aesthetic Expression

Diary Entry

October 13, 2021

- I think this was when I lost most of my feelings towards you. You said you liked me before, you said you'd just randomly delete discord without informing me or just seriously considering how it'll affect me, you said you've thought about leaving at times,, you said sometimes you only talk to me out of pity. I don't think we have the same definition of care when you say 'you care about me'. This is the time I don't randomly check discord in case you sent any messages, or look forward to your messages at all. This time is where I found staying up all night for you is a hassle instead of a night I'd be excited over or look forward to. This is the time I don't need 3 more days just to miss you and think about you all day each call. Whenever your messages pop up in my notifications, my heart don't beat anymore like it's being electrified back to life. This is when I don't look for topics to talk about, or jokes to say just to fuck with you. This was the day I cried, laughed with you, and when the call turned off, I became emotionless, my smile dropped, and internally I was laughing at myself. At the situation. This is the time my heart turned cold. Now, from here onwards. Is it just all pretend on my part? I couldn't tell. I wouldn't be able to, anyway. As I've said, I'm a walking contradiction. And you just don't like that.