Aesthetic Expression

Story Prompt; Pun

In a world where puns are illegal, one man rises up in opposition.

wpsstories 

"Sir, I was looking for you," Howard said, staring at the back of the chief's neck. "We got him." He turned around slowly, eyes staring down at a manila folder in his hands. He was an intimidating man, even despite his enlarged belly and the countless wrinkles spiraling down his face, neck, and everywhere else. Tall, maybe 6'2'', and still quite muscular—especially for a 63-year-old that refused to retire. He was bald now, but he'd had thick, black hair when Howard had first joined the department over a decade ago. Even after all that time, he still felt as if he were a child talking to an adult whenever he was around the chief.

"Him? Who is him?" Chief said, not looking up from the manila folder.

"Him," Howard said, nodding toward the folder. "We got him."

"Him? Al? You got Al?" Chief said, glancing up from the folder in his hand, then slowly closing the cover. A large, red "CONFIDENTIAL" was stamped across its front.

"We did, he was outside of an arboretum. We caught him red handed. No, red lipped. Red worded? We caught him in the act is what I'm trying to say."

"The fuck is an arboretum?"

"Sir, it's a garden with a large collection of trees instead of flowers. Kind of like a forest, except man made," Howard said. "It's basically a forest."

"Where is there an arboretum in New York?"

"Central Park. Does it matter? We got him."

"Where is he?" Chief said, glancing around the room. The veins on his neck, visible through his wrinkled, dried skin, popped out slightly as he swiveled his head.

"He's in the interrogation room." Howard nodded toward the big, metal door on his left.

"How do you know you got the right guy?" Chief asked.

"He was standing outside of the arboretum telling people they were barking up the wrong tree." Howard paused. "You know, bark: like a tree has."

"My god," said Chief, lowering the folder down to the side of his left leg.

"That—that wasn't all," Howard said, stuttering slightly. "When I approached him, he told me to leaf him alone. Not leave, but leaf. To leaf him alone."

Chief slowly walked to the wooden table in the corner of the room and lowered the manila folder onto the top of it. He placed both palms down and sighed.

"We got a real sicko on our hands, Howard. You did good getting him off the street. Has he confessed yet?"

"No, sir. We sent Chuck in earlier. He came out in tears, an absolute wreck. He didn't even get a chance to turn on the recorder. Said he wouldn't stop punning, that Al told him to spruce up the place. Said that it would help us branch out creatively. Chuck tried to play it off, tried to be the tough guy, but Al just didn't let up." Howard turned his head toward the metal door to his left. "Chuck told me Al claimed he had an idea for an escape that he maple off. Maple, not may pull. He made it clear that it was a pun." Howard exhaled deeply and stared up at the ceiling. "He said Al called all of us saps, and that he wooden be surprised if he just walked out the front door. Wooden. Like wouldn't."