dear s,
i haven't talked to you since june, i think. could be longer or shorter, i don't know. i still think about you and sometimes i wonder if you're still waiting. part of me hopes you are because i don't think i could ever handle seeing you with someone else, but i also know i'm never going back to you.
i loved you for five years. two of those, we were separated and 'hated' each other. yet, i still loved you. i talked about you, thought about you, compared everyone to you. i was still in love with the boy i met when i was 14.
i don't know if i necessarily wish we never met, but i guess i wish it was on different circumstances. when you weren't addicted, when i was open about who i am. i wish we were okay with ourselves first.
your instant comfort to me was something i've never felt again. maybe that should've been a red flag, like it was with a. it was just different with you. i wanted to be close to you, to feel your warmth and smell your scent. i never forgot it after i met you. it was so distinct and i loved it.
i swear i've never felt anything as soft as that hoodie you wore when we met. it was a perfect color too. just as your smile was perfect to me. your laugh, your eyes, the way you reacted to things. everything felt so ingrained into my mind, but now it just hurts.
i want to forget. i want to forget how you kissed me. i want to stop yearning for your larger hands to hold mine. i want to move on.
you hurt me. you know that. you caused irreversible damage and we ran out of free trials. there's no fourth chance. we've had our three.
sometimes i want to swallow my pride, or self-respect, and go back to you. you're familiar. you're what i'm used to. you're not new. i'm afraid of new, so i stick with old.
that is a flaw of mine.
it's time i put myself first. i hope you're proud of me for doing that. i hope you genuinely have my best interest in mind. i hope you actually loved me for five years, because i loved you.
i'm sorry if you're still waiting on me. i'm sorry if you can't find your purpose without me. you're not a horrible person, just not a good one yet. you'll get there, give yourself the time.
