Saudade

picnic table

occasionally when i'm really missing her, i try to revisit old memories by going to all the old places we hung out. earlier, i recieved a call from one of her friends. she just had a question about a certain record. I had a question of my own.

"hey, uh" i said before she got the chance to hang up, "how is um..."

"oh, she's fine. doing good." she responded. her voice seemed to have a hint of sympathy in it. 

"still with.."

"yeah." she interrupted. "still with roy."

roy. what kind of name was that anyway. 

it was quiet for a bit before she spoke up. "nice talking to you, cal." and she hung up. 

tonight, i found myself at this park that's near our loft. i walked over to this old picnic table and smiled to myself.

visions of that night we came out here after we ditched some lame party crashed through my mind. we left that party, but not before stealing some liquor to take with us. we sat on top of this picnic table, passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. 

"you're stuck with me forever, cal." she slurred as she passed the half empty bottle.

"i wouldn't mind that actually." i replied with a smile. i was warm and fuzzy inside and i wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol or from being with the most amazing girl in the world. perhaps both. 

"i'm gonna be mrs. hood someday." she giggled, laying back down onto the wooden surface of the table.

i leaned over her after taking a swig from the bottle. "mrs. hood." i repeated. i stared deeply into her eyes, thinking how lucky i was to have this fantastic girl who wanted to be with me. i kissed her gently as if she'd crumble and fall apart if i was too rough. she tasted of alcohol and cherry coke. "mrs. hood." i whispered into her lips.

i looked over this table now. the only light provided was from the moon so it was quite dim but i could still see the outline of her body sprawled across the picnic table. 

i tell myself all the time that i make the grieving worse for myself. i just remind myself of all the things i've lost by doing this. i know i'm not fine and doing this won't make it any better.

but i just can't seem to let go.