all the words i wanted to say

I loved you then

   

We met at a young age, if I remember correctly we were in fourth grade. Gaps in our smiles and bright eyes. Always together, attached at the hip, sharing secrets and stories. I knew I loved you then.

Fifth grade I would get this weird feeling when I was around you. Your eyes felt like home and your laugh was one of my favorite sounds. I no longer got butterflies but I knew I loved you then.

Sixth grade we grew up a little. Full smiles and growing bodies. Subtle glances thrown at each each other across classrooms, sitting together at lunch, just you and I. You always at my house and I at yours. Taking naps on your bed while you played video games. I knew I loved you then.

Seventh grade everything changed. Life hit us hard. We were still best friends, I would steal your hoodies and refuse to give them back, but there was something off. Other girls started to look at you, it felt wrong. I was supposed to be your favorite girl, but by May of that year, you had someone knew, yet I still loved you then.

Eighth grade my mom would drive you home and we would hang out together whenever your mom threw parties. By now you had plenty of girls on your arm. I won't lie and say I wasn't jealous. I was supposed to be the one your arms were wrapped around. I was supposed to be the one you looked at with a look of love. That year you hurt me bad, but I still loved you then.

Freshman year we didn't talk to each other, other than the occasional smile in the halls. You didn't want anything to do with me anymore. You had new girls to string along, but damn it I missed you. Seeing you with a different girl hanging on your arm every week made me sick to my stomach. For some reason I still loved you then.

Sophomore year. You haven't even spared me a glance. You have a girlfriend now, she's pretty enough but from our past conversations she "isn't your type". You're all grown up now. You're tall, strong, you're personality did a complete 180, but those eyes are still the same. They no longer hold the same innocence that had when I first met you but they are still my favorite thing to look at. I still love you, but not like I used to. You changed, for better or for worse I'm not quite sure. You are not the person i once knew and wanted to spend forever with. I no longer love you romantically, but you were my first love and first love's never really go away do they?

I hope she treats you well, I hope she wears lavender perfume because that was always your favorite, I hope she knows you need help handling emotions, I hope she knows that you are caring and kind. I hope she knows not to take you for granted. A year ago I would have killed to be her, but seeing you happy brings me joy. I loved you then and I love you now. Maybe in another life we were meant to be, but in this one, we are not.

Sincerely,
a girl you've long forgotten