all the words i wanted to say

I loved you then(revised)

The first day I met you I didn't realize how much of an impact you would have on my life. I mean back then we were just little kids with toothy, gap ridden smiles and bright, loving eyes. We were the best of friends, me and you, an unlikely pairing, attached at the hip, sharing elementary school secrets and sugary sweet smiles. Though I didn't truly understand what it meant, I knew I loved you then.

The next year we steadily grew even closer. When I wasn't at your house you were at mine, sitting by each other at lunch, begging our parents to let us stay over later. I was so young and naive that i didn't understand what that fluttery sensation in my stomach was that only seemed to happen when you came around. I still wasn't ready to accept the emotions that I was feeling, but I knew I loved you then.

Two years later and you were still by my side, but now we had growing bodies, full smiles, and curious minds. We would share subtle glances across classrooms and hallways, or at least we though we were subtle, everyone except us knew we were enamored with one another. Teachers teased us, friends rushed us, parents spied on us. I finally understood what I was feeling every time I saw you, I knew I loved you then.

Three years later and suddenly the switch flipped. Life took an unexpected turn for both of us. We were still the best of friends, however you slowly started slipping from my grasp. Other girls were staring to look at you, hug you, make you laugh, it felt disgustingly wrong. What happened to me be your favorite girl? Your bestest friend? I was supposed to be the only one, but soon you would find someone else to entertain. I still loved you then.

Four years later, you were doing amazing; I was struggling. We barely hung out anymore, only when your mom threw parties and mine would drive you home from school. You were the star player of the basketball team now with plenty of girls on your arm, while I sat alone and angry at the world for taking away my person. I was so hurt and angry and anxious that I wished I didn't still love you, but above all else I loved you then.

Five years later and we've officially hit high school. You barely ever looked at me, save for the occasional glance in the hallways. I knew you were done with me, I had played your little game and now that I finished I did not earn a prize, in reality I think I earned a jail sentence. I hated seeing you walk with other girls, making them laugh, wrapping your arms around them, that was supposed to be me. Seeing you turn into somebody else made me feel sick to my stomach, but I still loved you then.

Six years later and you officially had a girlfriend... I was no longer upset or angry at you, rather I felt sad and almost remorseful. She was pretty with her blue eyes and dirty blonde hair, funny enough me and her kind of look alike... didn't let myself get my hopes up though. With that aside you were are all grown up now. You were taller and stronger but you were no longer the boy I had fallen in love with so many years ago. You're eyes were still the beautiful blue-green color that had started to feel like home, but they no longer held the bright and shiny in incense that they once did. You had changed so much, for better or for worse I wasn't quite sure. You were still the boy I had fallen in love but yet you were unrecognizable. I still loved you but not in the way that I once did. I no longer wished for your arms around me, to be the only one to make you laugh, the one you would fall in love with. I no longer loved you romantically but I still loved you then.

Seven years later and I don't believe me and you have said a word to each other in at least two years. However, you came up behind me at a football game, tapped my shoulder to make me look one way while you went the other, I caught you mid-trick and saw that wide, goofy smile that I used to melt over, now it brings me comfort. You and your girlfriend are no longer together, to be honest you seem happier. I have a boyfriend now, he treats me like i'm a princess and loves me for me. I love you but not at all like I used to. I know that if you called me and needed help I would be there right away but I also know that I deserve better than how you treated me in the last days of our friendship. I still find myself watching you from a distance, making sure that you're happy and that the brightness of your smile never dims.

Me and you were never meant to be, no matter how much my younger self wished it to be true. The truth is I think that we are better apart, we've grown up so much and have great futures ahead of us. I've come to the point where I see old photos of us and start to laugh at the memories associated with them; how small and awkward we were. I find comfort in watching you from a distance and recently I think you've found comfort watching me.

Maybe in another life, an alternate universe, a different galaxy we were meant to be, but in this life we were not. I know that I used to love you, I mean you were my first love and they say those never truly go away right? but now I don't love you, I care for you and I've come to terms with that for once and for all.

      Sincerely,

                a girl that has moved on