desiderate | park chanyeol.

vie

I don't care if he still don't like me or what. I'll tell him what I feel.

"Fuck.. why are you crying?" I was actually surprised when he asked me that after we kissed cause I actually didn't knew that tears have fallen from my eyes.

I quickly wiped it off. "Nothing."

He held my cheek for me to look at him. "You cried. Again. Why?"

I slightly pushed him away for me to sit up. He, too, sat, looking at me with worried eyes.

"Can I..tell you something?"

"Say it."

I bit my lip before continuing. I can't believe this is happening. "Please don't be mad. I know we are not official or in relationship whatever but please don't be mad at me." I said, can't look at him straight.

He didn't respond so I started. "I.. Yesterday.. Jaehyun from our class.. He asked me out.." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm saying it. "We.. We made out yesterday." Oh God. Help me.

I want to tell him all. All of the things I've done. My feelings for him. I can't stay like this anymore. I want him to know. I want to know if he will leave me. Cause I don't want to suffer in the future.

"I.. I regretted it. I am so disgusted at myself yesterday. I can't even look at him straight."

"Why are you telling me this shit?" I can tell he's mad. "And of all people..Jaehyun? Really? Are you saying you are not contented with me that you just go fuck whoever there is? Is that what you are saying?"

"Fuck, Chanyeol! Let me fucking finish first! I am not saying this because I just want to fuck or because I am not contented with you." I shouted at him. He calmed down a little but I can still see his madness written on his face. "I don't want to do it with Jaehyun. I don't want! And for heaven's sake, I did not go around fucking anyone."

"Then, what are you saying..?"

"I was so confused. I was confused that I had to agree with Jaehyun and do it with him to know if these feelings are real. And throughout the time I am with him, Yeol.. Fuck I regret it and I am so disgusted at myself and I can't even moan his fucking name and I even faked my orgasm cause you are the only one occupying my mind. I tried avoiding you if you had noticed but look at us. I still came back to you. I started regretting that I avoided you and that thing with Jaehyun. Those things cause you.. You just happened. And I hate this feeling a lot. It is so unfamiliar to me and it just came to me unnoticed."

"Hayoon, what-"

"I love you." Tears started falling from my eyes. I can't believe this is happening and I am saying this. Never in my life this thing, me being inlove, me confessing, never ever had crossed my mind.

My heart hurts as fuck. And fucking Park Chanyeol is the reason.

"I really love you. I love you so crazy. So damn much." My tears can't stop falling from my eyes and my eyes started to get blurry from my tears but I can clearly see that Chanyeol is shocked and surprised. And speechless.

I know he didn't expect it. I know. Cause I didn't expect it too.

"I can't stop thinking about you. Everyday, you've been haunting my mind that before i knew it, my world suddenly fucking revolves around you. I love you. I hate myself cause I know you deserve so much better than me. All the things we did, even the freaking small gestures are special to me. It is. Cause I love you. A lot. I want you in my fucking goddamn shitty life, Park. I fucking do. I really do. I love you."