-a fine line- part two/ sequal

Chapter 18- Disappearance

She was shaking as she added a teaspoon of sugar to the tea. Not necessarily because of anything else but her own actions. She should've stopped Dumbledore from firing Severus, should've done this and that. That was all that went through her head for the past weeks that she spent alone without him.

Y/N knew things were getting bad again. She noticed it as she felt herself slipping off the edge within each hour. She went through the days with remorse and guilt playing with her mind and she could do nothing to stop it. She had to bear the torture of the guilt she had caused to herself. Severus would say otherwise, he would've said that it wasn't her fault and would proceed to comfort her until she felt better. Now, Y/N was well aware of how to comfort herself but perhaps her methods weren't the most convenient ones.

Jayden often visited and they would catch up over tea or she'd help him with his homework now that Severus was gone. Meanwhile, she started her own search in an attempt to find Severus who refused to give his location to her after their fight. She had no idea where he was or how he was doing. Dumbledore assured her he was doing fine and that he was somewhere in the Muggle world but she had her doubts after the stunt the Headmaster pulled.

So Y/N had to survive on her own, with old habits coming back. Her sleep was constantly disturbed by nightmares or simply because she couldn't sleep although she was exhausted. It wasn't merely because Severus was gone, but also that feeling in her guts that everything was her fault. She started to blame herself upon the point that she felt she deserved the pain she was getting.

It was then, like expected, that her cutting started to increase. She watched the sugar dissolve in the hot tea and it may seem normal for others, but she was thinking about how painful it might be if she poured it over her hand.

"I hate this," She whispered to no one but herself. She was completely alone and isolated from the outside world except for the occasional visit from Jayden. She didn't have the heart to send him away in times she didn't feel like company, as she saw his eager face when he came in and when he started talking about his days. She'd smile at him, nodding her head and making sandwiches if he hadn't had lunch in the Great Hall yet.

But now, staring mesmerized at the tea, she realized she couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't even lift up the cup with her shaking hands. The fabric of her long sleeves brushed against her burning wrists which made her remember the cuts she made two days ago. She really tried not to do it, tried to hold on for Severus but then remembered he abandoned her, just like her parents did.

She sniffed softly, her bottom lip quivering and she abruptly stood up after the tea that was untouched was lukewarm. She couldn't do this.

Y/N's mind wasn't thinking properly when she strode toward the bathroom, wasn't thinking straight when she rummaged through the cabinets and drawers for the sharp razor she kept hidden for herself and only took out when needed for shaving. 

Severus may not remember it because of his memory loss, but he had given her the advice of having sharp things out of her reach to cease the cravings. It was the same when a person was on a diet, if you saw something sweet such as cake in front of you, you were more likely to take it without thinking properly.

That's what it felt like when she searched for the razor blade. More guilt bubbled to the surface and memories flashed in front of her. Her vision was blurring and it took a while for her to figure out there were tears rolling down her cheeks.

Everyone leaves me. I'm alone. Nobody fucking wants me.

She was beyond embarrassed at her exaggerated reaction when she found the blade, it was more a gasp of freedom. She clutched it in her hand, afraid of it slipping away from her. She wasn't even aware that the tight grip caused the blade to dig in the skin of her palm, blood rushing out of the wound and leaking down to the tips of her fingers and falling on the ground with splashes.

Do it.

And there was the problem. The voice in her head saying the complete opposite of the thing she actually wanted to do, but it was too strong to ignore, too powerful to not be affected by the presence.

Y/N held an iron grip on the object and pulled up her sleeve with violence, practically ripping off the fabric. She was desperate and didn't even want to know what she looked like to anyone who would come in. The blade wasn't sinister or scary anymore, it was her only chance of justice for herself and others. 

She looked down at the cuts littering her wrist from two days ago. It was healing well but she was going to ruin the progress. She shakily set the blade down on her skin and squeezed her eyes shut, feeling more tears falling freely over her cheeks.

She muffled her sobs with her lips pressing in a thin line as she reopened the cuts and watched the blood drip down over her arm. It was an endless river of all her worries being forced out of her body.

And although time seemed to vanish in nothingness, worries being dragged down by the same monsters that caused her pain, it was never enough. Those were her thoughts when she sagged down on the floor because suddenly her head was too heavy for her body and her vision was too blurry to stand straight and the dizziness that increased was overwhelming. 

Then there was a knock on the door and a soft voice that made her straighten her back in pain and sorrow.

"Y/N? I- are you okay?" Jayden asked with concern evident in his voice. She swallowed thickly, nodding with her head against the wall before she remembered he couldn't see her because the door was locked.

"Everything is-" Her speech slurred, her head lolled backwards and her body hadn't had enough strength to help her sit upright. She was distantly aware of her body hitting the ground, the thump it made and the wetness clinging everywhere.

A/N: love keeping y'all on edge, lovelies