The Winter Soldier

Chapter 10

Bucky and I were relaxing in the living room eating cake. We were watching some documentary about Sea life on TV when I heard my phone ringing somewhere. I rushed to my room to pick up the call before it went to voicemail. It was Sam. He was calling to tell us when exactly he would be arriving the next day.

"Should we pick you up at the airport?" I asked

"Nah you know super-heroes have their own ways to get around"

"You're not going to fly here with your suit, right?"

"No, of course not" but for some reason it didn't sound convincing.

"Sure" I chuckled "see you tomorrow then"

"Yeah and tell the Killer-Soldier I got some good news for him he will know what I am talking about"

"Stop calling him that" I laughed

After he had ended the call I went back to the living room and plopped down on the couch beside Bucky.

"Sam called. He said he had some good news for you, he said you would know what he was talking about" I said stuffing a piece of cake into my mouth.

Bucky nodded "I guess that means I might be pardoned"

"That's good right" I said smiling

"Yeah, I guess"

"Aren't you happy about that?" I asked pulling my eyebrows together. Why wasn't he more excited about this?

"I-I don't know. It just feels too easy. Shouldn't I be punished for my past crimes?" He said absently.

"But it wasn't you" I said gently "And don't you think you have suffered enough for the crimes that Hydra forced you to commit?" I knew he was listening to what I was saying but it didn't seem to reach him and his eyes were fixated on his metal hand.

"I know but I still did it" Bucky said and his jaw tensed. He looked back at me with sad eyes as he continued "You know... I remember every single life I took. Every single face. I remember their last please... the look of fear on their faces as they realized what was about to happen. I remember how it felt when I-"Bucky stopped and close his eyes taking in a shaky breath. His hands balled into fists. I didn't know what to do I wanted to hold him and ease his pain. Instead I placed my hand on his fist "Bucky I-"he pulled away from me standing up abruptly.

"No matter what you say I can tell you I have already heard it. From Steve, Shuri, Sam even T'Challa. But this-this is something you can't understand." Bucky said solemnly. He didn't turn around before walking out of the living room. I heard the front door open and shut and sighed.

I should be used to this by now. Bucky had built this wall around himself and was eager to protect it especially when it came to his past. Even though his time in Wakanda had set him free from Hydra and made sure he would never have to be someone's slave again, he was still a slave of his own mind. The memories of his past life haunted him and it made my heart ache seeing him struggle like this.

I was in my room when I heard Bucky come back home. He didn't come to my room and I didn't have the courage to knock on his door. I wouldn't even know what to say and I didn't think there was anything that I could say to help him. I tossed and turned in my bed worrying about Bucky. I cared deeply about him and knowing he wasn't okay gave me a tight feeling in my chest. I desperately wanted to run over to him and wrap him up into my arms. I wanted him to see himself the way I saw him. A caring, gentle and strong man who had been wronged by the world in so many ways. But I knew he needed time to himself and there was nothing I could do about it.