Longing -Tsukishima Kei

7

"Yamaguchi-San just show me please." I plead, frowning as the boy once again shakes his head.

We've been back at school for the past couple of days and I've mostly recovered, but I have decided on a few things as part of my healing process and as part of me trying to accept and love myself.

The first thing being that I'm not going to force myself to be around people who don't actually like me.

Although Kei is my best friend and I've known him since I was a kid, I'm still curious about how he talks about me when I'm not around. He's always trying to reassure me about my weight and how I look to my face, but does he keep that same energy when talking to someone else?

I can't get this out of my mind which is why I asked Yamaguchi how he talks about me. He shrugged off the question and said normally but he seemed weird. I asked if it's okay to see their text messages because 1) I wanna know how they talk about me and 2) I'm just nosy haha.

"I can't do that. Privacy and all, yanno?" He chuckles awkwardly and I pout.

"I just want to see the ones where you talk about me." I say but Yamaguchi quickly shakes his head.

"I can't."

"Why? I'll show you the text messages from when we talk about you. Kei is a lot sweeter during text when it comes to you." I smile and he slightly perks up at that before shaking his head again.

"No, I can't. Tsukki wouldn't like it." He whines and I frown.

"Why wouldn't he like it?" I ask and Yamaguchi runs a hand through his hair.

"If I let you see some of the stuff he says about you he'd probably beat my–"

Both of us go quiet as he cuts himself off. I'm pretty sure a full minute goes by where he just lets his words settle in along with the regret.

Now, Kei and I are close. Always have been.

But if he ends up secretly hating me then I don't want to stick around. I'd rather give him the space he deserves.

"Why would he do that?" I ask slowly but Yamaguchi just gulps.

"Alright- I sent the brats on a run so we have time to set up the gym. Let's start with sweeping." Kei walks into the gym where we are and I turn to him as Yamaguchi looks away.

"Kei, if I asked to see only the text messages where you and Yamaguchi talk about me, would you let me rea–"

"Hell no." Kei answers before I can even respond.

"Why? Is it bad?" I ask and Kei starts to look uneasy.

"Why are you even asking about that? What a dumb question." He rolls his eyes but I frown.

If I can't see it then obviously it must be bad, right?

Oh...do they make fun of me too? Is that why they're both reluctant to this? I mean, it also could just be a matter of privacy but Yamaguchi specifically said that if he showed me the things Kei says then he'd be in trouble.

Truth be told, I'm not recovering well from what happened at all. I think it's quite obvious...or I wouldn't be curious about what people think about me.

"Well, is it bad?" I ask again, noticing Kei's ears turn red as he glares at Yamaguchi.

Is he mad? Did I get Yamaguchi in trouble for even asking?

Not wanting to cause more problems I just bow and adjust the bag on my shoulder.

"Never mind, I shouldn't have asked. Sorry." I say before quickly leaving the gym.