Once when nobody was looking I sneaked a treat, it was my first treat in a while. Father would never let me eat anything fun and yummy its always the same healthy food. I wanted to free myself from the prison my father puts me through every day.
God forbid a dress doesnt fit, I'd have to run 10 miles if ever that happened. Aunty Jo always felt for me, she knew what I had to endure because she had to endure it once too. She wasnt as strict as papa but still she didnt let me have everything I wanted.
Nothing was ever good enough for them. Sometimes I feel like I dont exist, as if this is some type of novel and im stuck in it. Ive been trying to get out for ages but nobody ever came to my rescue.
I kept waiting and wishing for the day to arrive, the day my mum comes back home. I longed to feel her love in my heart. I longed to hear comforting words from her, and some motherly advice throughout my life, I longed to tell her my secrets, longed to feel her hands on my shoulders and her gentle lips brushing through my cheeck. I dreamed about the day she would do my hair and we'd have a girls day and shop all day. I dreamed and dreamed and she never came.
I never lost all hope, theres still a shred of hope somewhere deep down inside my hollow heart. I felt a hole, i felt incomplete. I couldnt help but, I knew my father loved me even if he showed it in strange ways.
I always hoped someday I'd get to meet my mother again, so one day when I had just celebrated my 7th birthday, my aunty Jo gave me a diary and told me to do whatever my heart desires with it.
I had an incredible idea, I would write everything i would want to tell my mother that happened to me, like that I would never forget a thing. Like that she would know everything I wanted her to.
My diary brought me comfort, even if I didnt have a mother, with my diary I felt like I was speaking to her just the same. Somtimes the feeling of anger engulfed me, never ending questions, the horrible feeling in my chest.
What if she didnt care about me?
What if she didnt want to get to know me?
What if after all this time she forgot who I am?
What if after she left and started a new family?
What if she never loved me?
Was i just a problem in her eyes?
Was I just an extra cost?
Was I just another mouth that needed to be fed?
Was I just any another child?
These feelings were sometimes too much and I would break down, one time even at school.
It was a run-of-the-mill Monday, everyone was tired after the first couple of lessons. Mrs. Capplyn was preparing us for a school sleepover.
Me and my friends were over the moon with excitement! We couldn't believe we were finally old enough to be in the school sleepover!
"Mothers are requested to help out"
"Any mothers who wish to help with the sleepover contact Mr Shimos"
"If any mothers want to bake some treats it would be appreciated"
"Mothers can sleep next to their daughters"
"Mothers are allowed to participate in games with their daughters"
said Mrs Capplyn
Mothers, mothers, mothers, mothers
The word had no meaning, no sense,
Who was going to bake cookies with me? And sleep next to me? And play games with me? And help me win games? I had nobody. I was on my own and I was devastated.
My father was called and he picked me up from school. Me and my father werent very close, we rarely do anything together, hes always working. I guess he works so much to hide his pain from me, to spare me the pain he was feeling, little did he know all I wanted to do was talk to him and get it off my chest. I wanted to watch movies and and cry my heart out with him.
Dad without mum didn't work, they were always a team. I never knew them together but it wasnt hard to guess, It was hard for him to raise me by himself Im sure.
For that reason I was very surprised when he took me to my favourite place, the beach. He layed out a blanket and we both sat down and started talking. I wanted to stay in this moment forever.
I never had this opportunity with my father so it made me feel so connected with him. Time was flying by and before we knew it, the sun was setting and it was getting cold.
"Do you want to go home and watch a movie" dad said
"I would love that dad"
.......
I asked father if we could go to a cafeteria and we were off.
If only I knew that sentence would change my life forever....
