I was in Shawn’s room curled up on his king size bed just staring at the closed door. Shawn had already left for work hours ago and I still hadn’t gotten out of bed. I knew I no longer had to be afraid of who would walk through that door next, and that I should have gotten up hours ago; yet I hadn’t. The rational part of my brain knew it was going to be Shawn who walked through the door when he came home from work. Yet I was still in bed. Why? Because the irrational part of my brain was in control and it had me frozen with fear. Fear that my mentally unstable ex-boyfriend Marcus, could burst through the door at any moment and try to kidnap and kill me like he had tried to do two weeks ago. Even though Shawn had assured me multiple times now that Marcus would never get within a football field of me (even if he got parole which Shawn also assured me was highly unlikely) the irrational part of my brain couldn’t believe that, not after everything he had done.
I met Marcus three years ago at a mutual friends party, we were friends at first and eventually started dating. In the beginning he was your typical boyfriend caring, sweet, and loving. He would plan romantic dates for us, and he was always a gentleman. However about seven months into the relationship he changed. He would get very possessive when we hung out with our other friends, became very jealous of anyone else I showed attention to, and He would lash out at me over the smallest things. After a year I decided I just couldn’t deal with it anymore and broke up with him.
When we broke up Marcus took it hard, he just wouldn’t let me go. He would call several times a day, show up at my house or work and beg for me to get back with him. I thought he would get over it but it only got worse. A couple months after that it grew into stalking. He would leave love letters he’d hand written on my doorstep, and send roses to my work; it got so bad that I moved in with Shawn (my new boyfriend) for extra protection and got a restraining order against Marcus. At the time I thought the restraining order would make it clear to him that we would never get back together, now I know it was what triggered his psychotic break.
What Marcus had done to me in the five days I was missing had ruined me both mentally and physically, and I couldn’t figure out which was worse. Mentally I was very nervous and paranoid; physically I was still healing from the beatings and from what the small stick I peed on this morning tells me… 1-2 weeks pregnant. I’m unsure of what to do now with my life and this baby. How can I raise this baby knowing how it was conceived yet how could I get rid of it knowing it was still partly my baby? Shawn had already offered to take care of me and be a father to the baby but I couldn’t do that to him knowing it wasn’t his kid. The part of me that still feels like a victim is screaming at me to get rid of it like a murderer would get rid of evidence, but it wasn’t that simple. I couldn’t just wash away all the pain Marcus had caused me it was unforgettable.
The part of me that could still think logically was telling me that this child growing inside me, is just as much a part of me as it was of Marcus, and just because it’s father did some very horrible unspeakable things to me doesn’t mean he or she should feel the repercussions of that. Can I really end its life based on fear or do I keep that fear and use it to become the best mother I can be? After everything that’s happened to me could I even be a good mom or would I just be setting my child up for failure from the start? This is what Marcus had done to me, He had made me a shell, with very little left of the actual person I used to be inside.
He had stripped me of my confidence and made me unsure of my life and any decision I would make moving forward, now there will always be that doubt.
Just then I heard the faint sound of keys being shoved into the door and then the click of the lock indicating that who ever was at the door had succeed in unlocking it. Just like that my heart rate went through the roof and I looked around frantically looking for somewhere to hide. “Alyssa?” I let out a loud sigh of relief and felt my still rapidly beating heart slowly decrease upon recognizing Shawn’s voice. Shawn was home, finally and I had made it through another day.
