Still Doll

A Bad Move

While Kuroro had successfully instilled a long-lasting fear in Kurapika, Kurapika got to inflict an indescribable confusion in Kuroro in return.

This was Kuroro's win. The entire night went almost perfectly according to his plan: he had killed Meniandro and removed one hurdle to keep their transactions secret, got to do the Kuruta multiple times the hard way in exchange, and demonstrated his true capabilities that effectively sowed fear and self-doubt in him. Three birds in one stone. Kuroro expected that he would have his fun all night long but... he didn't.

It was, in a reason he couldn't put his fingers on, not satisfying.

He was tired and this was their most productive night so far, but he was inexplicably unsatisfied, even empty. It was something he couldn't understand. This wasn't the first time he hurt and raped Kurapika, but this session wasn't the same as their first night. It was rubbish compared to the previous, short sessions they had before, and that had him very confused of the reason why.

In fact, he felt horrible. The sight of Kurapika clamped up, passive, hurting and refusing to look him in the eye didn't excite him as he thought it would. The opposite was true: when Kurapika plead him to stop, a part of him wanted to accede because he wasn't being turned on by the whole kinky play, leading him to resort using the aphrodisiac drink. But it was something he thought he should do, thus he went on even if there was a very, very small voice inside his head telling him to stop.

There was an ominous, sinking feeling in his chest at seeing Kurapika's figure, huddled in his knees with shoulders slumped and face obscured by his messy hair, when he glanced at him as he closed the bathroom's door. He caught that slight movement when Kurapika woke up next to him on the bed, and at that very moment he wanted to turn around and check on him. On top of that, he was overwhelmed with an extreme annoyance with himself when Kurapika keeled over at his attempt to stand up, curling in humiliation and again, not wanting to see him eye to eye. He was used to with the Kuruta's valiant efforts to defy him even in his small ways; he was a prideful lad who held his head up high even when cornered and ridiculed. It wasn't the sex that was what making Kurapika interesting; it was the boy himself who had been in between the thin line of light and darkness and not wanting to let go of both. Those rare moments whenever he displayed enjoyment in their shared kisses and touches. The blush of his appealing cheeks at his banters, the way he tried so hard to return his sexual advances at times even if it was against his will. The fact that Kurapika could somehow enjoy the sessions no matter how much he denied was what making Kuroro want to devour him, touch him and make him feel real good until he couldn't deny it anymore.

Tonight was Kuroro's win, but he felt so dumb for messing everything up between him and Kurapika.

Kuroro left the condo unit shortly after he prepared the Kuruta's change of clothes. He judged Kurapika needed some time alone. But he didn't leave the building; he went to the rooftop to get some air and to think things over.

This... killing Meniandro was a very bad move, but Kuroro believed it was necessary, and he didn't regret it. He didn't care whatever Kurapika felt about his death because Kuroro did it solely according to his own will. But Kurapika was blaming himself for what happened, and that had him needlessly miserable. Add the kinky rape and that they did it in Meniandro's manor, Kuroro belatedly realized that he didn't just intimidated Kurapika: he subjected him to trauma and no matter how strong his personality was, he was still just a boy in a young age and that affected him psychologically. He tested the boy's tenacity too much that he almost broke him.

And it didn't feel good.

This was, technically, favourable, because that meant that he could now deal the final blow and be done with the Kuruta. Kurapika was much, much easier to kill now that he wasn't as interesting as he was before. Kuroro had his fun and he was just a nudge away to get rid of one of the biggest threat to Ryodan. The party was over—time to go back to reality and search for his Spiders.

But Kuroro was reluctant to do it.

If anything, what he wanted to do was to go back to his condo, open the bathroom's door, help Kurapika in cleaning himself up and tuck him back to the bed to get some more rest. He wanted to patch that bleeding corner of his lips and steal a quick kiss, get that usual glare from Kurapika and flash him a smile that never failed to annoy the shit out of him.

He messed everything up big time. Looking back at their previous encounters, there already was a developing tolerance between them. That dissolved into nothing just because he felt the need to showcase his dominance in a grand scale, and he was at a loss of what to do about it.

But more than that, he couldn't understand why he felt this way.

This couldn't be pity. Pity was something he didn't have since the beginning of his time. The only thing he cared about was Ryodan, and the other humans were just other living organisms that lived and died around him. Kurapika shouldn't be an exception because there wasn't anything special about him other than his scarlet eyes.

But those scarlet eyes with vacant look after he forced him to climax sent him an invisible, blunt hit against his chest. That reluctant nod didn't serve him a sense of victory, but utter failure. That he had made a very bad decision and move, but he had to keep up to it, save face and complete his plan to tame Kurapika.

Right then, a question suddenly surfaced in his mind. Did he want a tamed Kurapika in the first place?

Did he want someone who would just bow down his head in submission, who would just go on with his antics without complain, and who would perform his best to avoid punishment?

If that was so, he should have gotten someone who was better at doing those. No, he never wanted a slave. Kurapika didn't have a single quality fit to be a slave. At the bottom line, he never intended to enslave the Kuruta. He was much, much worthy of that.

But why did he think so?

These... all of these left Kuroro confused; of his real desire, of what he wanted to do with the Kuruta, of what step he should do next. Given how much Kurapika hated Kuroro's guts from the start, his hatred had been surely stoked and now with a pinch of fear, that would certainly affect their next session. How would Kurapika act around him next time? Would there be a next time?

Everything was ruined, and he was worried of its outcome.

It wasn't something he could solve with a simple sorry. Not even an offer of a free pair of Kuruta eyes as a consolation. He made a mistake that was beyond his ability to downplay, and this had him restless and antsy. And he didn't like this feeling. He wanted this to stop.

He didn't regret killing Meniandro at scaring Kurapika, but he thought he shouldn't have hurt him that way. He went too far. Way too far.

Where was this sense of seemingly concern for the Kuruta coming from?

Kuroro watched as the sun began to rise from the horizon. Kurapika should have left the condo by this time, and he wasn't in a good shape. The trauma would manifest in his system, and it would worsen his situation. Kuroro knew this; he was more than accustomed to trauma that he had grown numb to it. The looming threat of death around him, the depression brought on by hopelessness, stinging wounds and gnawing hunger, and self hate for existing in this world. Two bad results, if left untreated, could possibly happen— self harm and suicide, or he would be eaten by the darkness and become a monster. It was obvious that Kuroro chose the latter but in Kurapika's case, he couldn't be sure.

For the first time in a while, Kuroro became anxious from someone else's well being. If he could turn back the time, he would not go on with raping the Kuruta. He would secretly kill Meniandro so Kurapika wouldn't feel that bad about his death. Then again, he wasn't regretting doing all those. God, why was so contradicting himself like this?

"What is happening to me?" Kuroro sighed, running a hand over his face.