Cancer

It's not fair

It's been 5 months since billie was diagnosed. Of course that doctors appointment was when billie found out and came home to tell me the news that changed everything.

Now i lay in bed beside my sick husband, thinking about how this all started. I don't even know what time it is, i just know its the middle of the night.

Im never able to sleep good at night. I stay up worrying that any minute now billie could stop breathing. He was asleep close to me. His head laid on my shoulder and his breathing against my neck was what assured me he's okay.

A day hasn't went by that he feels okay. I hate to think about it but im not sure he'll make it. He's either just as sick or more sick, he never feels better.

I could feel my chest burning up and my eyes sting with tears. I wasn't even gonna try holding it in this time. My husband's dying and theres nothing i can do about it.

I begin to immediately sob, tears flowing down my face. My breathing sped up as i went into a panic attack. I held onto billie tight and squeezed my eyes shut, crying hard and just wishing everything bad could just go away.

I felt billies hand slide onto my back and he began softly rubbing my back. I cried almost every night and he knew. It would wake him up a lot.

Throughout this all, i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But i'd expect that in this situation.

Billie slid off of me and pulled me into his chest, now being the one to hold me. He wrapped his arms around me tight. I began to calm down and i stopped crying.

"I love you, tre"

"I love you too"

Billie was soon asleep, still having a grip on me. I listened to his breathing. It was much different than it used to be which made me just want to cry again.

I was too tired to cry. I just felt numb at that point. I wanted to just scream and cry but i was far too drained. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of faded sobbing. I could tell it was from the bathroom. I didn't waste anytime and ran to there, ignoring the sunlight blazing in my eyes.

I opened the bathroom door and saw billie crying in front of the mirror. He was holding a hairbrush, my heart sunk.

Billie's been through chemotherapy, i knew this was coming any time now.

"Whats wrong babe?" I walked up to him and softly hugged him.

  I knew exactly what was wrong.

"I w-was just br-ushing my.. my h-hair and... and.. and i-i-"

He cried harder and gave up on talking. He lifted up the brush which had a big chunk or his dark black hair. My eyes teared up, i knew how bad this was gonna affect him.

"Don't worry baby...we can shave it and it'll eventually grow back, okay?"

"Tre no.. i don't wanna shave it!" Billie sobbed.

"Its gonna come out anyways this just makes it easier, im sorry."

"F-fine"

I kisses his forehead and grabbed the razor out of a cabinet. I shaved his head and got it over with. It was hard, i hated seeing billie cry like this. I couldn't help but shed a few tears myself from how upset he was.

Once i was done he stared in the mirror. He wasn't crying anymore. He looked so serious.

"I hate it..." he mumbled.

"Don't baby. I think you look beautiful."

Billie sighed and wrapped his arms around me. I wrapped mine around him tightly. At least he seemed calmer than i thought he'd be.

"Out of all of this its the least worst thing that could happen" he looked up at me.

I nodded and made eye contact with him. After a few seconds he looked away at the ground.

"Its not fair." He said under his breath.

"I know it's not, billie. I know."

"No tre, you don't know." His voice cracked up.

"We were gonna be happy. Remember when we said in Highschool we'd run away from everything and be happy together as soon as we could? Well thats what we did. It actually worked. Everything we wanted we were gonna have but... but now im gonna... im gonna die after everything we did to get here its not fair tre!"

"Its really not billie." I could feel the emotion rise up in me before my eyes started pouring with tears.

I try to deny it but billie's dying more and more every day. I hug him tight and cry into his shoulder. He's right. This is fair at all.