FRIENDS

16

After four days of being at home, I turned my phone back on. I hadn't had it in me to turn it on and read the words of the people I had left behind in Los Angeles. But after my mum pestered me about letting at least Ashton know that I had arrived home safely, I turned it on and watched as my messages poured in.

I had twenty three missed text messages and seven missed calls, all from Ashton, Calum, Luke, and even Lacey. Not a single notification from Michael.

Not that I really expected anything different. I had told him never to talk to me again, and of course this would be the one time he actually stuck to what I had said.

I wasn't angry anymore, not in the way that I was when I left. Instead, there was this overwhelming ache in my chest, nothing like I had ever felt before. I couldn't even try and explain how it felt, like it was numb but painful and throbbing. The pain I felt didn't even make sense.

I told my mother everything when I got home, including what Calum had said and my kiss with Ashton, and she held me as I cried. She had done this time and time again; nursing my broken heart back to health after Michael did something to break it was one of the things she did best.

"I know you love him," She whispered as she brushed my tear soaked hair away from my face. "but I think it's finally time for you to let him go."

It meant something for my mother to be saying this to me. She had always believed that Michael and I would end up together, even if it took some time for him to realize that we were meant to be. She had fantasized about our weddings and I knew that she and Mrs. Clifford revelled in the idea of being almost related.

But now, my mother was giving up on that dream, just like I should.

"It's not that easy." I whimpered. "I don't know how to love anyone other than him." My mother nodded sadly.

"I know, baby. But after someone has hurt you that many times, being with them wouldn't work. You'd spend your entire relationship being afraid he was going to break your heart again. You need someone new, someone who you don't believe possesses the ability to hurt you."

Someone like Ashton, I thought. I shook the thought away and sighed. My mother was right. I just didn't know if I had it in me to stay away from Michael. Which would hurt more: letting him go or letting him stay?

I didn't sleep the entire plane ride home and I hadn't been able to sleep very much the past few nights. It felt strange to fall asleep without Michael lying next to me. I had become too accustomed to having him there that not being near him every night when I closed my eyes felt foreign and uncomfortable.

I knew my friends were probably worried. I knew they probably wanted to hear from me. But today, on the fourth day, I had finally been able to take a breath without it hurting. I hadn't woken up and remembered that Michael had finally hit my last nerve and Calum had said all those true, yet hurtful things to me, and Lacey, who I had barely known but had chosen to trust, had betrayed me.

Everyday so far I woke up and thought that maybe I was overreacting. I mean, Michael and I didn't have any type of relationship. We were just friends. But it had started to feel like maybe it was becoming more than friends. He made me feel like things were changing.

I was angry that he was so damn oblivious to my feelings and that he always had been. I mean, how hard would it have been for him to just open his eyes?

I was angry that I expected him to just know. I should've been an adult about things and just spit out how I felt, but I was so scared. I didn't want him to not reciprocate my feelings and things fall apart. Despite how cruel he could be, he knew me inside and out. Michael had been my family and my closest friend my entire life.