How did I get here?

No More Hope

Arriving to the scene in disbelief hoping this wasn't true, I hurried out of my car. The police sirens sounded distorted and everything was blurry. I ducked under the caution tape rushing toward scene. I rushed past the news reporters and headed straight to the police hovering over the body  that was covered with a yellow tarp. My breath was stolen from me as I notice her pink painted toes and bedazzled sandals  sticking out the bottom of the tarp. No, this can't be real.

 They uncovered the head of the body so I could confirm it was Hope and there she was my beautiful little girl laying there with a gunshot wound to the head marinating in her own blood. I drop down to my knees while tears rushed down the sides of my cheeks. My world had stopped and I let out a loud guttural scream." Who would do something like this , why her" I stuttered .

An officer by the name of Lilly began to approach me " no one killed your daughter mam ,we have came to an conclusion that ruled this case as a suicide, we have found a gun and this note beside her ". Woah that took a big turn she proceeded to hand me the note that they found. The note read " sorry mom I couldn't  take this anymore I'm in a better place now , I want you to know that I love you and that I'll always be here with you XOXO-Hope".

I sat there reading it over & over I couldn't figure out why she would want to harm her self  there was nothing I could think of . She was such a loving, caring person I thought she was the happiest person in the world but I guess not maybe I wasn't paying enough attention or showing her enough love. I had lost all faith and hope in God and life.  I didn't want to blame me for not being a good enough parent, so I start blaming God. I became so angry with him I didn't understand why he would take her from me she was my reason to live , she held the key to my heart, she was my world .

My husband had arrived to the scene and he began to comfort and hold me. He was the only thing I had left. I hugged him tight and balled out crying in his arms, so many tears that I could probably fill up two 8 feet pools. I cried the whole way home I didn't feel like myself anymore. The world had kept going but mine had stopped I felt so disconnected from everything . 

 I grabbed the bottle of red wine out of the fridge and headed straight to her room. Laying in her bed drowning in depression squeezing her pillow , Tim came in the room and sat there beside me he gave me a hug and kissed me goodbye after he stated that he was going to proceed to his business trip . I didn't want him to go but bills had to be paid and Hopes funeral as well . I could only imagine all the stress he was going to be under on his trip, but I knew he was strong enough to make it through .