Ditched

Lectures

"PJ, we need to talk."

I swivel around and jam a finger into his chest. "What did you call me?"

Jack hesitates. "Uh, PJ. Isn't your middle name Jane?"

"Don't ever call me that again." I say through clenched teeth. That's Asher's name for me. And ONLY Asher's name. He's the only person who is allowed to call me PJ. He made up that name, therefore he uses it. Just him.

Jack steps back and puts his hands up in surrender. "Okay. Okay, Piper." He says, his voice laced with sarcasm. Then his face breaks into a serious expression and his voice is soft and gentle. "Piper, we need to talk."

I cross my arms. "You said that already." I say nastily.

His shoulders slump and he runs his hands through his hair. "Can you stop being mad at me for just one second?!" He shouts, his voice filled with sadness. "I just wanna talk."

I don't respond. I just cross my arms.

"I need you to talk to me, Piper. I don't really understand what happened the other day in the garden, but frankly, I don't want to. All I know is that you blew up at me fire no reason."

I interrupt him. "NO REASON?! I blew up at you for no reason?!"

He stomps his foot and throws up his hands. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS! It's not my fault, you just wanna have someone to blame this on! I did nothing wrong and there is no possibly explanation for this being my fault!

"If I were to give you a whole week, you wouldn't be able to come up with a valid answer for how this could possibly be my fault! Because it isn't! I was being nice! Heck, I was being the best friend in the world! But you can't stop being annoying for one second to look around you and realize that people like Asher, Casey, and I love you!" His face is bright red with rage, but he doesn't stop there.

"A lot. But you can't see that because you're too wrapped up in your own mini world! Piper, you can't just push away this accident, yes accident, because you don't want to face the fact that you were mean to Asher right before he got hurt! Maybe you shouldn't have been mean! Maybe that wouldn't have even made a difference!

It's not anybody's fault, but you're so concerned with how you treated him that all you wanna do is blame somebody else. Put the pressure and guilt on someone other than yourself! Honestly, I'll take the blame if it makes you happy! If do anything to make you happy, Piper! But you're too blind to see that, for heavens sake!"

He finishes with a loud shout, his chest heaving with deep breaths, his voice louder than I've ever heard it.

He turns on his heel and walks away, leaving me to think about what I've done. Leaving me all alone.

*****

I lie on my bed, home for the first time in days. But no one knows I'm here. No one knows I left the hospital. No one knows I'm crying.

I just lie there, my sheets balled in my fists, my legs bent at an awkward angle underneath me. But I haven't moved for over an hour. I've been thinking and thinking. And thinking. And thinking.

I can't seem to come up with an explanation for how this could be Jacks fault. Ugh, I hate it when he's right. I've basically been crying for the past three days. I can't seem to control my life, my mind, my actions. I thought moving in with the Griffos was gonna be the best thing that ever happened to me. Until I realized Asher had been lying and he never even had an Aunt Debbie.

I've been contemplating why I was mad at him in the first place. He traded himself for me so I'd be happy and what do I do? I'm not appreciative and I yell and blow up at him.

Then when he tries to explain, I don't let him talk and I leave to live my 'happy life' with the Griffos.

Then when he tries to make up with me, I tell him I never wanna see him again and I hate him, and he gets severely hurt. He doesn't wake up for four days and I do the stupidest thing in my life. I blame Jack.

My closest friend. Jack. The kid who has accepted me for me and become the best person in my life since Asher. And I tried to make him think that the guilt that lies on my shoulders is somehow his fault.

How can I be like this? How can I be so....so obnoxious? I need to make this right somehow. I need my friends back. But will they forgive me after everything I put them through? I need to do something to show them that I really love having them around and I'll never do anything like this again. That I was just depressed and scared...

And I have no clue what to do.