Journal Entry 3

Polluted

We haven't seen each other in 10 days. And I am ashamed to admit of how much He has polluted my mind. He has absolutely polluted my inner world. I constantly think about Him. I have to restrain myself from texting Him, nagging for attention. I want to come off as the cool and confident sub, not the needy and annoying one. But it's hard.

In a normal relationship, I won't hesitate to share my feelings or message first. But with Him, I am more hesitant. Pride is stopping me because I'm not sure that the feelings will be reciprocated. It is quite sad to think that  I must hold myself back in order to protect my feelings.

But even as I type these words and I realise how unhealthy our relationship really is, I cannot help to miss Him. Maybe I just miss the company and the attention, who knows.

But it's His attention that I miss. We got into an argument the other day and of course I backed down and let Him win. I would've never done that with any other partner. But if He is happy, then I am happy.

He is coming home tomorrow. Although I won't be too surprised if extends his trip even more. I would be disappointed though. He feeds off of my sadness. He quite literally gets hard when he sees me in physical or emotional pain.

If He does return tomorrow, do you think I should dare to invite Him over? Or suggest that we should see each other? I have never done that with Him before as it is always His call, but I am yearning to see Him. Maybe He would say that He is too tired to see me because of the travelling...I should brace myself for the worst news. But something in me wants to have hope.

Anyway, enough of this overdramatic, weak talk. Time to start dinner and end my night. Hopefully, I'll be in his arms tomorrow.

Good night,
His Alcestis