LIMERENCE

Chapter 1

Vera - Slavic term 'Faith'

I've never understood why God made the heart as fragile as it is. Doesn't that defeat its purpose of saving us from heartbreak?

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe it's just that I'm so incapable of dealing with my feelings that when something goes wrong, alarms blare inside and I freeze.

But when I freeze,

Time doesn't.

Time doesn't wait for me, and freezing for months at a time doesn't help my case at all. In fact, it makes carrying the burden twice as heavy.

I haven't even spoke to him since we graduated high school.

We were at our spot.

And I can't remember what we were talking about exactly. I just know I got too vulnerable and shared a fraction of my trauma that I wanted to keep secret.

He took it well though. I never felt judged and as much as I hate him, he's the only person I've ever felt safe with while talking about my past. And although he made comments on how he related and what he would've done in my situation,

He listened.

He heard every word I said and even if those comments were a bit much, they weren't like the comments my mom or anyone else for that matter would say to me. They were constructive and had meaning. I could tell that he cared when we spoke. Everything was clear. It was like (insert metaphor). Even though it was so difficult to open up, it was just so simple at the same time.

That's what made me fall in love with him.

As much as he broke me I'd never forget how he showed me what a good friendship should look like.

As much as I hate we didn't last life has it's ways and when you try to get in the way of that, things don't go either yours or life's way and it's just hell for the both of you

The regret that washes over me every time I'm reminded of the past and how I wish I could change the way things played out between us, the things I wish I didn't say maybe if I held back, You'd still be here

But not only am I alone I'm carrying the burden on my back without aid.
~~~~~~
It's my birthday and instead of eating funnel cake at Jackie's shop, I'm at home replaying the past like a movie. It felt as if the movie was never-ending, I ran out of everything to keep me distracted.

I had lost contact with my mom and dad for over 2 years, although I text dad every now and then it isn't as it used to be. Every time I try to talk to mom she just reminds me of everything I could've done better, adding another two hours to the movie I have to watch every night.

I don't mind though It's refreshing hearing what goes on in someone else's mind. It's a breath of fresh air being freed from the strains of my thoughts, being stuck in a cycle of constant criticism.

My parents couldn't afford therapy, so I was stuck handling everything on my bareback at 9 years old. Sometimes I forget how much that affected me, shutting my brain off to the pain it caused me or at least could've. I'm not sure what messed me up though but I know it was something in my childhood. I don't know whether it was my abusive brother, my constant arguing parents, or maybe it was me