The Letters of Knight and Heir

Letter #10 (Unsent)

Dear Knight,

I truly have lost it.

I have had the Falconer deliver a message to you. I know it has only been a few days, but I grow more and more worried about your health. I thought I would explode if I didn't describe my feelings to you, so I must resort to writing in a secret journal and hope I do not get found out.

Not declaring my love for you has been harder than I thought. People are calling you a deserter or worse. They say you and the Countess have run away together, and some nights, I almost believe it. On those nights, I reread every letter you've sent, even the ones from many years ago that I should have thrown out already. Your words are a small comfort compared to the time and effort you've always carved out for me, but they help.

I want to shriek at people that you would never leave me, that you've promised to follow me, even if I've turned down that offer. That you believe in us. That you are returning, no matter what.

"Please wait for me to return."

I read that particular line over and over, sometimes whispering it as a prayer; hoping that against all possibilities, you can hear me. That you know I'm waiting for you and hurry home.

Was returning to the border too much? Did you truly break as you said you would? Should I have come with, even if I had to sneak away? These doubts plague my mind, contaminating my then-true promises, making them a sham I never thought they'd be.

I want to trust you; I want to believe that there are some extraordinary circumstances in which you are neither hurt nor lying. In which you were okay and had simply met a block in the road or something limiting your motion but not hazardous.

But am I really such a fool to think that?

Perhaps it's best if you've really run away with the Countess, no matter how impossible I know it to be. Freedom with the one you love is the most considerate possibility I can imagine for you. One where you are safe and happy with no responsibilities to tie you down.

Maybe you could start over, forget all those nightmares that keep you up all night? Move past the grief and guilt that has weighed you down for so, so long? Become blind to the ghosts haunting you?

Even if it's a fantasy, I hope you're safe.

Waiting,

Your Lover