Late Night Thoughts

Random

062921
Hi!
It's me, Linette. Nakaupo sa higaan imbes na matulog. I haven't had a good night sleep these past days. Lagi nalang nagigising ako sa alanganing oras.

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070621
Tomorrow will be our graduation ceremony. It's just a virtual graduation and I can't feel it. 

Tomorrow will be the day of questions. What is my rank? In what place am I? Why am I just in there? I don't know the other questions, but for sure tomorrow my heart will crush.

I'm tired of this feeling. So sick of it. Every time , every results I face, my heart crushes. It's not what I want. I don't want to always think that I am in a competition. I'm sure I'm not, but I just feel it.

How I wish that someday all my hard work will be seen as mine, as an individual, a person, a student, not in a competition.

Somehow, my day have been productive I think. I exercise a bit and laugh. I have a conversation with my friends and I'm happy about it. They just boost my heart and I love them.

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070821
Yesterday's been our graduation day(virtual). I just watched it from my tablet and when my name flashed I just took a screenshot then leave haha. I received an award for best in CPAR and With Honors. I am happy with it honestly.

 I saw mama sent my pictures to a lot of her friend and I felt relieved that she doesn't regret having me as her child lol. A lot of people congratulated me so my worry lessen. I mean lessen, but not completely vanished.

 I saw 'her' got a lot of awards and I can't explain all my feelings about it. I know I'm happy for her achievements but I can't leave the fact that I am hurt and I am shamed that I feel envious to her. That is so selfish of me. I know that is not right. But that is what I'm feeling.

Today, I got my first Barangay ID haha. And continuously searching for a job. I really need it. Also, I got an email from Probe they want to have an interview and test. Why am I feeling so anxious about this. I hate this feeling. The what if's.

 I'm hoping I could get a job before I go to college, so I can at least help myself for things I need to buy and get. Wish me luck.

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071421
Tommorow will be the DAY the UPCA result will release. I'm so nervous. I don't know what to feel. Please give me the way to the best for me.

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071621
I didn't had the chance to write yesterday's events. To put it short, I didn't get to UP. I expected it. I just tried that 1 percent or even lesser chance.

 After I saw that news, I feel bad. I just stare from nowhere and think about my future. Since I didn't passed BSA course, I decided to pursue what the university accepted me for: BS Economics. 

I don't have that much infos about Economics but I wish that I can love it and be passionate about it. I will pursue it. But if I get the chance to shift to BSA, I'll love that. 

For now, I don't have money to pay for tuition fees in a private universities, I'll accept what I have.

 Please help me get through it.