A normal potato man walks down the street with his homedizzles. He is the center of his potato friends; funny, innapropriate and far from charming. The sun glares in his eyes as he takes long strides with his long potato legs. He comtemplates his newest, funniest, potato joke. It goes like this:
"Yioudbfoavbhy."
He chuckles to himself as he starts to tell the joke to his friends. They laugh. Gosh, what a riot, they think. He tells them goodbye in the language of the potato, which is untranslatable to english. He walks up to the front step of his apartment. He takes the keys out of his man-purse, which is currently bedazzled with a picture of a taco. Oh, wait... that's not a taco. Okay. He walks into his apartment. He wishes he could bedazzle all the walls with pictures of "anchovies" and "tacos" but currently he does not have much to bedazzle with. He turns on the television.
On the television, a beautiful potato woman is shown. She has short, stubby legs, four chins, and far too much bronzer. What a catch, he thinks to himself. He longs for a relationship with the lady in the retirement commercial. He is surrounded by friends, but this potato has no amore... his delicate, starchy heart has not been broken once... he has never drinken from the sippy cup of love...
He wakes up. If he doesn't get out the door soon, he will be incinerated by the office's lava pits at the front of the building. He pretends to comb what could be hair, and shave what could be stubble, and brush what could be teeth. This is the morning ritual for all potatoes; it is ignorant of their own race. He heads to work. As usual. Everyone heads to work in the morning, even the freshly harvested buds. Then, a potato catches his eye.
She is the lady from the retirement commercial.
She is simply stunning.
She walks right by him. He is speechless. He hears his homedizzles from behind him. They come up to him and ask him to retell the joke. Of course, with no experience around the lady potatoes he told the joke. She heard it. If a potato could display disgust on their face, this is what her face would look like. Hurrying in the office, he wonders what he has done wrong. Did he appear potato sexist? That would surely be unnacceptable. He thinks of a song, loved by all potatoes:
"She's so hot, she's making me sexist..."
At the end of the day, he heads home to his apartment. Coincidentally, there is a television on how to be a gentleman. What a coincidence. Haha. Ha. Ha. It shows three good courting behaviors of potatoes:
1. Wear your finest coat of the leather of the hand that uprooted you from the ground. Turtlenecks work too.
2. Dance. Interpretive dance.
3. Once you have acheived all of these things, whisper something beautiful in her ear.
With these words in mind, he set off to bed. with his hand leather coat hanging at the foot of the bed.
The next day he came to work early. He set up a boombox. On it, he had put in a tape of freeform jazz. He saw her walk in the door and began the tape. His moves were fresh.
She was not impressed.
He did this the next day, but this time wore his turtleneck and chain and danced to Drake. Yet again, she was not impressed with moves as smooth as butter.
Discouraged, he spent a night tossing and turning. He showed up to work tired and depressed the next day. He asked Carla, the ugly intern potato to make him some coffee. Work was finally over, and it was raining outside. He walked home, but then he saw retirement commercial potato lady and knew what he needed to do.
He walke up to her, and said stop in potatoish. Wait. I need to tell you something.
He leaned close into her ear and whispered,
"Yioudbfoavbhy."
They lived happily ever after.
YOU ARE READING
The dance of the potato
HumorpOtatO man discovers wOman. but he is TOO potototoy to ask her owt. Joing him as he dicovers his inner gentleman potateriuth.
