I Need You, Gus [ON HOLD]

Chapter 4

After checkout, the ride home from the hospital is awkward. Mom's gaze averts my own, her eyes checking the rearview mirror more often than needed, and when they aren't doing that, her eyes are planted firmly on the white line on the road, as if she is watching it to make sure it doesn't grow legs and run away.

She thinks I'm dying.

Okay, well, of course I'm dying. I have been since diagnosis. If you want to be technical about it, so is she, and everyone else.

Anyway, back to point, she thinks that I am legitimately dying.

I've been on my deathbed before, in both the metaphorical and literal sense, (I was moved to a new hospital bed tha would be the bed of my death.) But a miracle saved me. However, I think I'm running out of miracles.

"Hazel." my mother begins. I wait for her to continue, and when she doesn't, I raise my head to look at her, cocking a questioning eyebrow. A crease forms between her eyebrows, like she's trying to decide how to say what's on her mind.

"I've noticed something for a while, but I thought it would pass. But I see it's only getting worse."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, although I have a weird feeling in my gut that I know what she's thinking about. I know it by the way she looks at me- like I'm a kicked puppy, or something.

"Remember before you started going to Support Group, how we visited the doctor, and he said you were depressed?"

How could I forget?

I nod slowly, my gaze retreating to the window, watching the world pass my vision in blurs.

"After... after meeting Augustus, you were so much better, happier, healthier. And now... you're worse than ever."

She's exaggerating. I've been almost-dead, which is significantly worse than the state I am in now.

"My boyfriend died." the words leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Yes, he did." Mom confirms. "And believe me, I know that it can't be easy by any means, but you're letting it consume you." Her voice falters at the end, but she picks it back up again immediately when she continues. She is not going to let this go. "You're letting it kill you, Hazel. And your father and I hate to see you give up on your life like this."

I give her a sideways glance. "So, you're blaming my cancer on my dead boyfriend? It was here before him, mom."

"I know." her voice is beginning to get exasperated, her knuckles turning white as they tighten on the steering wheel. "Haze, I just hate to see you just, give up. You are strong, you can get through this."

The more she speaks, the more she reminds me of Patrick.

Mom continues talking about my 'struggle with cancer,' and how 'Augustus wouldn't want me to give up,' and all the things people tell you when people close to you die. Really, it doesn't help. Nothing can help, except bringing the person back.

I don't think anyone will ever learn that.

~ My feet kick outwards as I soar in the air, my plastic swing stiff underneath me, not exactly the model of comfort, but I'm far beyond caring. A hand gently pushes on my lower back, pushing me higher in the air, and I can't help but laugh.

"Gus, I'm not five, I was taught how to pump my legs." I smile, although he can't see it.

"Have you never seen...hmm, let's see, any romantic movie ever?" he asks, and I picture him cocking an eyebrow behind me. "It's what the boyfriend does, Hazel Grace. I am only abiding by the rules of society."

I snort, rolling my eyes. "Right. Since when have you been concerned about society?"

As the swing flies backwards, it jolts to a halt, and I see Gus's hands firmly keeping me in place, half suspended in the air. He guides me back to the swing's original state, and pecks me on the cheek, before whispering in my ear: "Well damn, you got me there."~

Sunlight invading the outsides of my eyelids is the next thing I feel. I blink drearily, scrubbing the sleep out of my eyes with the heel of my hand as I prop myself up on my other elbow.

"Rise and shine!" Mom beams at me, obviously in a much more upbeat mood than the day previous.

"Morning." I grumble not so cheerily, and inspect my hand, and wipe the tears that had fallen in my sleep on my comforter, attempting to ignore them completely. That seems to be all I do with everything nowadays-ignore it until it's gone or forgotten. My cheek still feels the pressure of Augustus' lips, as if it had actually happened. The dreams always make it much, much harder to cope.

"We're going shopping today." Mom says, a determined look plastered on her face, obviously not going to take any arguments or sass today. She means business.

"Why?" I ask, looking at her through half squinted eyes, still adjusting to the open drapes letting sunlight steam into my room. I try to ignore the heavy feeling in my eyelids from crying in my sleep. Thankfully, my mother doesn't seen to notice them. If she does, she says nothing, and I am grateful.

"Why not?" She backfires. "I think it's time for some mother-daughter bonding, wouldn't you agree?"

I manage a smile. "Yeah."

She turns heel and walks out the door, leaving me to get ready to face the world, I would imagine. I groan as I swing my legs off the bed, really not feeling the whole "human interaction" thing today. But since Mom is dead set on the concept, declining the offer is not really an option.

I half-heartedly make my bed, tossing the sheets towards the bed frame, wrinkled and not really made at all, if I'm being honest. I pull the comforter up near my pillows, and dig through my drawers until I find something suitable to wear for the day, struggling more than usual around my tubes, my mind still foggy from sleep. My bed suddenly seems much more inviting.

Mom has a bagel waiting for me on the kitchen table once I finish, a little dish of cream cheese open, the knife laying abandoned across the top, some leftover cream cheese smeared on the side from when Mom had used it moments before. She looks at me through mid-bite of her bagel. "You look pretty today." She comments, and I arch an eyebrow at her, because not only is it out of the blue, but more than likely completely false. I had barely looked in the mirror, not wanting to see my own sunken eyes. "How are you feeling?" She adds, holding her fist up to her mouth to avoid spewing bagel crumbs.

"I'm good." I respond, applying the cream cheese to my bagel carefully. I've felt pretty much back to normal upon arriving home from the hospital, nothing worth complaining about.

"Great!" She smiles. "Then we have a long day of shopping ahead of us." she winks, and I swallow back my distaste, dreading going outside the walls of my house.

I think that my mom believes she is being subtle, but I see right through her antics. She wants to give me a sense of normalcy, something aside from longing glances at old text messages and hospital visits, a taste of what life could be like.

Honestly, I'm not sure which is the better option, anymore.

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I'm so sorry I ended it on a pretty stupid note. But trust me, the condition I'm in now..... I simply couldn't think and write more....... I know I've taken ages to update such a silly chapter, but I just needed to update it..... The urge of updating....

Anyways, I know it was pretty bad but still..... Even if you liked a word of it, please vote/comment for the story.... I prmouse to make the next chapter better!! I know I'm not worth trusting, but yeah, I'll trynna do me best.....

Till then, bubyeeee my lovely fellas!!!

Gemma ^_^