Cigarette Smoke

Pending Chats

*Ping* The sound of a Snap notification echoed through my room. I didn't have the energy to get up and check it. *Ping* It goes off again five minutes later. I lazily crawl out of bed to go grab my phone from the top of my dresser. It takes my eyes a second to adjust to the brightness of my phone screen. 

Sam is typing... 5m ago

Snapchat from Sam 1m ago

     I open it right away. 

I think we should slow things down. I've got a lot to focus on. I feel like you're dependent on me. I've gone through that before and I don't wanna go through it again. The text read. I jolted awake, tears filling my eyes. I've had the same dream every night for the past two weeks, ever since it happened. I can't believe Sam and I "broke up" two weeks ago already. Just then my door flies open.

"Girl you'll never guess..." Kristen started to say until she noticed I was crying. "Same dream?" she asked. I nodded my head. She came and sat on the edge of my bed and we sat in silence for a while before either of us spoke up again. 

"I can't keep doing this Kristen. I don't even really know what happened and he won't talk to me about it. He won't even talk to me in general." I said, choking up after nearly every word. 

"I know. But look at it this way. You got through the pain from Spencer, Tristan, Alex, and Ashton. You'll get through this too." Her words were always reassuring. But this was more complicated than just a simple break up. 

     Sam is my most recent love. It didn't take me long to fall in love with him. It was different. HE was different. Or so I thought. I met him on that stupid dating app Kristen and I downloaded. Yes, it's the same one I met Ashton on but I take it more seriously now. Sam and I didn't talk long before I knew I wanted him in my life permanently. He made me feel safe not only physically but emotionally and mentally too. I will admit, our relationship moved quickly and we said "I love you" pretty early on. But it felt right. I was more sure I loved Sam than I have ever been.

    I told him everything about my past. Everything about the guys I've loved, my mom dying, and my shitty relationship with my dad. I also told him that what happened in my past won't have any effect on our relationship because I truly did love him. I have struggled with depression for the past five years of my life. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still struggle some days. A couple weeks ago I had a really bad depressive episode. All I wanted was for Sam to be there for me and he wasn't. 

     All day he could tell something was wrong but I knew he was busy so I told him we could just talk about it that night when he got back to his dorm. He called me right away when he got back but shortly after he got another phone call. He promised to make it quick and then he'd call me back. Nearly two hours went by and I got no call. He finally texted me "I'll strike you a deal. I'm gonna go to bed right now and after I'm done with class tomorrow we can call for the rest of the day." I was hurt because I knew I wasn't gonna want to talk about it later but I agreed anyways. I didn't feel like starting an argument but that didn't last long. 

     We said goodnight and I just silently cried in my room hoping that he would call or text but he didn't. At least he wasn't texting me. It's gonna make me sound crazy but every so often I would check his snapscore and for an hour after he said he was going to bed it consistently went up. I felt like he didn't care what I was going through and he just told me he was going to bed so he didn't have to deal with it. I was already hurting from the fact that he wasn't there for me the way I needed him to be but now I was just angry. We fought that night and then I felt crazy. 

"It doesn't make me love you any less." he said. I could sense the annoyance in his voice. 

"I know. But I just wanted to call and apologize for lashing out because it wasn't fair to you. I love you so much and I never want to hurt you." I said as tears escaped my eyes, fell down my cheeks, and landed on my pillow. We hung up the phone after he promised me once more to call me after class the next day. He kept his promise. As soon as he got back to his dorm he called me. We were on the phone for two hours. That would have given us enough time to talk about events from the night before and move past them but the entire time all he did was nap. He woke up and told me he had to go write an article with his cousin and we hung up. That's when the conversation happened. The one I've been dreaming about for the past two weeks.