pricked » yoonmin [FF]

s i x t y - t h r e e

Jimin couldn't sleep that night, his eyes are feeling heavy and dry as they woke up in the morning. They stayed over at a cheap motel, all of them sharing a big room together. It was a quiet night, they barely talked to each other or about what happened that evening. Only a few sentences were spoken but not about the current situation. No one feels like talking about what's going on right now, what they feel inside, what thoughts they have - especially Jimin and Jungkook. But there's one feeling both of them share - guilt.

Guilt even if they weren't guilty. Maybe guilt because they hadn't noticed. Hadn't noticed how their friend felt. What he went through. They always have taken Taehyung for granted. He has always been there, no matter what they were going through, no matter what situation, what part of life they were going through. He was always there, they had taken him for granted, his help, his presence, his person. But that's it. They were busy with their own problems, never paying that much attention to Taehyung. Yes they love him, yes they care about him, but it wasn't that deep.

How must a 4 years old boy have felt, being given away by his parents who didn't want to have him? How did a 4 years old boy handle a trauma of being abandoned by his own parents? How did he feel, having to live with strangers, strangers he now calls parents but that haven't had the time for him, always being busy with work, even now, when their son is arrested for murder?

No one had asked these questions, no one asked how he had coped with that. No one questioned him always being that clingy, always seeking for love, affection and attention. No one asked what he has been feeling, this whole time, what's going on inside of his head, what thoughts keep him awake at night. Everyone was too busy, managing their own lives, while he was sticking around, watching them, following them, making sure everyone is good, trying to please them. Trying to be there for them, trying to help and listen, trying to make them laugh and trying to make them feel loved. All he ever wished for himself too.

Taehyung has always just been there, now that they have lost him for a few months, finally showed them that him being around isn't something that can be taken for granted. He's more than just their friend, who is always sticking around, always there for them and with them. He's way more than that, he is a person with feelings and emotions, with own needs and problems, a person that is more than just a means to an end. He is more than that, he is worthy and important.

He was just a part in their life, never being understood as an own person, that has his own life, his own world. He's more than just a person in their life.

And it's not just the guilt of Jungkook, not returning Taehyungs love, kissing Jimin, when he was watching or pushing Taehyung away from him, whenever the older showed him his love and affection. The guilt is deeper, way deeper. It's the guilt of not seeing him, him as his own person with his own life and problems, guilt of not talking to him about his mental health, about his dark thoughts and sleepless nights. It's the guilt of not paying attention to him the way they should have. The guilt of not seeing his true worth.

Now this guilt is crushing onto them, all at once, seeing what they have lost or might even lose forever. A friend, a brother, a soulmate, a listener, a helper. This day will decide if they lose him forever.

-

The morning went by slow, they've now reached the court, again waiting in the waiting room. The room is big and bright, big windows on the left side of the room when you enter it. The room is empty, only the group of friends waiting for their lost friend, his trial. Waiting has never felt that long before, long and lonely, even though they aren't alone. They have each other, but a puzzle isn't whole if one piece is missing.

"What if it's really been him?", Jimin says quietly, his voice showing barely any emotions, "what if he really killed these people?" The silence after he spoke those words out loud, has felt heavier and longer than ever. Words at least one of them also had thought before. Yoongi, sitting next to him, turns his face to look into his boyfriends face. He tries to read his mind, to understand what Jimin as Taehyung's best and longest friend must feel at the moment, saying these thoughts out loud.

"What do we even know about him??" Jimin raises his voice, a frown showing up in his face.

"Jimin what-" Seokjin tries to understand his younger friend, but is being cut off by Jimin, who stands up and turns his back to his friends.

"No, for real, what do we know about him?", he asks again, this time even louder, "Sure he has been our best friend for years now, I can't even think of a time without him."

He runs his fingers through his hair, sighing frustrated. He then turns around looking into the confused faces of his friends. "He has always been there for us, but how could it come so far? What did we miss?", Jimin asks, not even expecting an answer, the question a rhetorical one, his eyes meeting Jungkook's, "did we ever try to understand him? To talk to him about him? Do we even know what has been going on in his mind ever since we've known him? Because I for sure don't know!"

Yoongi stands up as well, placing his hand on Jimin's arm, but the younger turns away, his face showing an angry expression. "Calm down, Jiminie." Yoongi tries to calm down his boyfriend but it didn't quite work, "No I don't feel like calming down. This situation.. if we had noticed it before, if we had noticed him before, we wouldn't be here now."

May it be facts or not, but the words are spoken, Jimin said it out loud, declared himself and the others guilty. Guilty for this situation, guilty for not being the friends, Taehyung had always deserved.

"You're right.", Jungkook finally said something, his red and teary eyes meeting Jimin's once again, "you're right. We always thought we know him, but the truth is, we don't."

"We know nothing! His feelings, his thoughts, what's going on in his mind, we know nothing!", again Jimins voice raises, sounding angry and disappointed. "Maybe we are even one reason why he is here now."

"Don't be too hard on yourself Jimin", Yoongi says, feeling sad for his lover, feeling his pain and disappointment. Yoongi knows that Taehyung has always been his best and closest friend, they spent so much time together, known each other for such a long time, but maybe he's right. Maybe they are all a little bit guilty for this situation, for Taehyung's situation. Yoongi himself, hasn't had a deep bond with Taehyung, but he can now see it. The younger boy has always been with them, always been around them, helping out, lighting up the room, making everyone feeling happy and loved, but did they return this feeling? Did they ever made him feel loved, truly loved for who he is? Not for what he does for them, but for who he is? For the kind, lovely, honest, caring and passionate person he actually is. Yoongi couldn't find an answer to his questions.

"I- I can't. I need some fresh air." Jimin says, shaking his head and leaving the waiting room. Yoongi wanted to follow him, but Seokjin stopped him, "I think he needs some time alone."

Yes he needs some time alone, he hasn't eaten ever since they arrived yesterday, but the last thing he wants to think about is himself and his hunger, his wellbeing or anything. All that matters now is his best friend, sitting all by his own, with no one supporting him, in one of these court rooms, waiting for a maybe life changing outcome.

Half an hour passed, by that time his friends have joined him outside. The whole building is surrounded by a big fence, in front of the building are a few benches, a small path leading to the steps that go up all the way to the main entrance. Jimin sat there on a bench under a few trees, a small fountain next to the park similar place.

Yoongi handed him some coffee to give him some energy, sitting down next to his lover. He places his hand on Jimin's now cold thigh, "are you good?"

"I'm fine.", Jimin answers quietly, almost whispering, the word "fine" barely slipping through his lips.

"Lets just wait, and hope for the best", Namjoon says, his voice calm and soft.

So they stood there, waiting outside of the building, another amount of long and quiet minutes passed, when suddenly the front door opens.

A silver haired boy and a young woman stepped out of the building, shortly talking to each other before she went back inside, leaving the young man alone. He touches his wirst, being cuffed for a long time by cold metal, before he looks up, his glance once again, meeting a bunch of stressed, nervous and curious eyes.

Their eyes meet again. And it won't be the last time.