pricked » yoonmin [FF]

s i x t y - f i v e

trigger warning: personality disorder (dunno if someone may get triggered by these kind of topics)

+ explanation at the end!

-

The trial one day ago

"We declare him as incapable of guilt."

Taehyung remembered the trial yesterday, the judge declared him as incapable of guilt. There are no charges for murder or attempted murder. He's free to go - well not totally free.

"Kim Taehyung, you've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by Mrs. Wong. Therefore you were incapable, mentally. There will be no charges for attempted murder."

Borderline, hm.

He has always known that something's wrong with him - that he is different. Feels different, acts different. Feels strongly or nothing at all. Thinks extremely or nothing at all. Loves heavily or not at all. Always being at some kind of border. Black or white, all or nothing. There's no in between. He has always felt different, now he knows. Everything he did, he felt, every thought, every dark thought - the bad ones, the selfhating ones, the suicidal ones. And all the extreme emotions. The happiness, the fear, the optimism, the pessimism, the anger, the love. Oh the love. It's his strongest feeling. The love to his friends, to Jimin, to Jungkook, to him - to Hoseok. If he could only love himself, just give some of his love he has to these persons, to himself, just a tiny bit of this love, it would be enough. But that's not something that can change over night.

"Due to your diagnosis, you will have to go to therapy as a part of your court condition.. "

He has to take care of his mental health, that's the court order. Due to his mental health he wasn't able to act right, he had no control over his actions. And that's true, he himself noticed the lack of control he often has. The impulsive behavior. As if someone is taking control over him, his mind, his body.

-

Today

The officer opens the door to a small room, looking the same as the room he was before. The same room he spoke to his lawyer or the psychologist. The difference is that he was no longer wearing handcuffs. It's the person, sitting across of him. The woman, the woman that gave birth to him. That left him when he was a little innocent boy, seeking for love and warmth.

"Kim Nahae." he says, sitting in front of the person he's supposed to call mother. Her eyes seems tired, dark circles under her eyes. She looks old and sick, but mostly tired. She manages to give her son a short sad smile. "Kim Taehyung." she responds.

"You.. you killed him. You, you were there, you saw me." Taehyung says, it wasn't a question, but he is searching for an answer. He's confused, angry, his feelings are mixed, he can't sort them. He doesn't know what to feel. "Why?"

She looks away, before looking him straight into his brown eyes, "I never wanted to give you away."

His heart skipped a beat, but he manages to stay focused, "that.. that wasn't my question."

"But nothing else matters. My biggest crime was leaving you alone, giving you away." she says, her eyes slowly starting to get teary, "it's my biggest sin, my biggest mistake. But I got my punishment and I will pay for it."

"I- I don't understand..", Taehyung responds, not knowing how to feel about the words this woman just said. What does she mean, her biggest mistake? They didn't want him anymore, they gave him away, they left him alone. How can it be a mistake, if they wanted to?

"He made me do it. He wanted it so." she says, anger written in her eyes, her fist clenched, "he forced me to give you away." Her voice is shaking.

Taehyung couldn't say a word, nothing felt right at the moment. "Your father, Kim Jaehung, he was a bad person. He was a criminal, he had others doing bad things for him. He was dangerous. In the end.. it actually was the best for you to give you away."

"T-thats nothing for you to decide- you don't know how it made me feel all these years!", Taehyung says, raising his voice, his heart beating fast in his chest.

"B-but believe me, I would have never been able to give you the life you deserve, safe and happy. My life was everything but that. I.. I couldn't leave him- he would have killed me or worse- you."

His whole world seemed like crashing, nothing made sense anymore. He has always felt so much anger and hate towards his biological parents, he felt abandoned, left alone, hated. He always thought it was because of himself, because of how he was, who he was. But it had nothing to do with him, it was because of the lifestyle his biological father was living, because of a concerned mother, scared of her husband, of losing her child. In the end she gave him away, he didn't want Taehyung, he was the reason.

"I- I loved you so much, you were my happiness, my everything." his mother says, a tear falling down her pale face. "I'm so s-sorry, for everything, for the pain I caused."

Taehyung can't say anything, he just sits there, his vision getting blurry, tears slowly falling. There was a short silence, "so I killed him."

He looks up, her face cold, no emotions, the tears falling but there was nothing behind that mask. Her face is empty. "I did, what I should have done long before. Maybe.. just maybe we would been together earlier, you and me."

Taehyung just looks at her, still in shock, not being able to say anything. "You know the story, I told it yesterday at the trial. I don't regret it."

It was quiet for a short moment, "My only regret was leaving you. And now I'm here to pay for it."

She had recognized her son, not that night, but when she saw his face in the newspaper and on the TV, his name, his beautiful face. He has her eyes and lips, she knew it was her boy, Taehyung, the name she gave him. And so did his father recognized him. It was pure coincidence that they met this night, that Taehyung saved his mother. After that Kim Jaehung tried to make every other case, every other murder look like his own son did it. He wanted to make Taehyung pay for the murders.

There were so many questions left and Taehyung took the chance to ask them. To get answers to every thought, self hate and self doubt, to all the pain and suffer. He took his chance and asked as many things as he could before his time was over and he had to leave.

"I.. I don't expect you to.. visit me. So I guess, goodbye Taehyung." His mother says, her voice sounding as if she is heartbroken but at the same time relieved. "I wish you the best, happiest life. A life that's worth living, a life full of love."

"Maybe.. one day, you will forgive me.", she whispers, looking down at her fragile hands. Suddenly a warm big hand touches her cold ones.

"It will- take some time but I- I will try my best.", Taehyung says, squeezing her hand slightly, "I need my time, to work on myself first, and then- maybe I will be able to forgive you, mother."

-

A/N: so short explanation so no one gets confused:

Taehyung attacked a man on that particular night - later in "trampled flower" Hoseok who worked at the police station, found out this man is Kim Jaehung - Taehyungs biological father, he didn't die that night but he was injured. His mother Kim Nahae recognized Taehyung when he first appeared on TV so did his father -> Later on there were more similar cases all leading to Tae who was then arrested for all murders that his father / his" workers" actually did. Tae's mother than decided to kill her husband to end this all and she turned herself in. She was at the court, Tae was declared innocent, just declared for the serious bodily harm, due to his personality disorder and mental state that time he doesn't have to go to jail etc. he has to go to therapy. Hope it make sense I know it got quite complicated for you to read and for me to combine these two books together!