Winter Secrets

Im Sorry.

angst

*TW*: self-harm, choking, triggering thoughts, burning, scratching, consumption of alcohol, Manipulation. (its a bad chapter. ill add a safe recap at the beginning of the next chapter)

Tubbo's POV^^^^^^

I ran up the stairs, tears falling down my face. I hate, hate, hate, HATE him!! Why the frick would he do that!! He's a jerk! A prat! God fricking damn it! I run into my room, rip off his hoodie, threw it in the corner with as much force as I could muster, then finally threw myself on the bed. I scream into the pillow, tears streaming. Rolling onto my back, my hands find my neck and I dig my nails into it and squeeze as hard as I can. My head starts feeling heavy and the familiar warm feeling sets in my lips, numbing them. Ugh. Im getting upset over a boy. How pathetic can I get? I shouldn't have even come. Why am I here? Im annoying and extra and-. I relax my grip and dry my eyes. Shut up. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Slowly I get out of bed, my head spinning from the lack of oxygen. Walking over to the dresser, I pull out one of my hoodies, jeans, and socks and headed to the bathroom. With the door closed and locked behind, I turn on the shower allowing the steam to fill the small room. Turning to the mirror, my eyes rest on my neck. Shit. Where my nails had been some tiny crescent-shaped cuts and bruises were already starting to form. I run my fingers over the cuts and bruises, flinching at the pain, but pressing harder. I freaking deserve this. I should have kept to myself. 

Peeling off my clothes I step into the shower, gasping at the pain. I ignored it and slowly started washing my hair. The water burned my skin and felt like fire where the bruises and cuts were. After getting out of the shower and getting dressed, I slowly headed down the stairs, peeking around the corner. Not seeing Ranboo I grab my phone off the coffee table and head out of the door. The cold wind blasted me in my face, almost making me chicken out. 

I storm down the sidewalk using the Waze app on my phone to find the nearest shopping district. Finally arriving downtown I rush into a small cafe, relieving myself from the frigid air, and find a seat farthest from the door. I order a chai tea and a slice of lemon cake and muse over what happened. My hand finds my neck again and I sigh, knowing that once Ranboo finds out he'll flip and that will just be a whole freaking mess itself. I rest my head on my arms suddenly exhausted. Warm and tired, my eyes pull close and the last thing I think about is how I should pick up some bandages before I head home...

-later-

"Excuse me? Sir?" I startle awake to find a very annoying chick in an apron scowling at me. "Um Ok so we're closing in like 5 minutes... sooo... can you like, leave?" I blink at her, confused "Ah, sorry what time is it by the way?" Rolling her eyes she replies "10:30. Now, please be on your way so I can do my job. Bye. Seeya" I get up and stumble into the night. How do I get back...? I turn on my phone to find 5 missed calls from Ranboo and several frantic text messages. Ignoring them, I unlock my phone, put in Ranboo's address, and started walking. 

Walking up the drive I see the light on in the living room and groan, mentally cursing myself because I forgot the bandages and it's too freaking late to go back. I stand in front of the door, hesitant. Before I even raise my fist to knock, it swings open to reveal a disheveled Ranboo, holding a glass of some clear liquid. Setting it down, he wraps me in a tight embrace, mumbling something in my hair. I relax in his arms, feeling defeated. Listening carefully I'm able to make out what he was saying. "Im sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry". Tears fill my eyes and I'm disgusted with myself. I push him away and back up. "Stop... Please don't apologize it not your fault. It's mine ok? So stop it. Stop. please." I run past him, the same word falling from my mouth. "stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP, STOP, STOP!!" Slaming the door behind me I throw myself on my bed. 

-Im sorry Tubbo... I really am... Youll forgive your dad, wont you Tubs? I didn't mean to hurt you...- I squeeze my eyes shut against the flood of memories. "No, no, no...SHUT UP!" I lay there and cry. Cry like the pathetic piece of trash that I am. Crying. I fall into an uneasy sleep, feeling as if im going to burst into flames.

HEY! Ok so everybody go check out the next book in this series!!!!<333