The Christmas Package

Less Borsht

That night Sandra went home to sleep on her futon next to her enormous paycheck. But for some reason the paycheck wasn't giving her that warm fuzzy feeling it usually did. She tossed and turned, thinking about how hard it was being successful and single in today's world.

Why did everybody want to set her up with attractive and successful coworkers who totally wanted her? Life was SO hard. She wept.

"If I had just one wish this Christmas..." She said out loud, "I'd wish for a real man in my life. Someone who doesn't care that I'm an independent, attractive, single woman. Is that too much to ask?"

All of a sudden the lights went out and a chill breeze filled the room from an open window. Carried along with that breeze was a distant, 'Ho, ho, ho!'.

"What was that?" Sandra sprang from her futon to look out the window. "Santa? Was that you?" She was filled with so much Christmas spirit in that moment that she threw herself out the window and nearly fell on the old man sitting under it.

"Ho, ho, ho!" Coughed the old man. Sandra got up (once again, showing impressive strength by not allowing any man to help her.) She looked at the old man. He had a long beard and a large belly. He was dressed in really old, smelly clothes, but Sandra wasn't fooled by the disguise.

"Santa, it is you!" She said in pure joy.

"What?!" Asked the old man. His breath smelled strongly of gingerbread schnapps.

"You've come to give me my Christmas wish!" Said Sandra.

"Ahhh....What?"

"Here. For the children." She put a dollar in his hat. Suddenly Santa's eyes lit up.

"Uhh, yes," he said after clearing his throat with a mighty gurgle. "I am Santa. Santa the Claus. And I am here to..."

"Perform a Christmas Miracle?" Said Sandra hopefully.

"Yes! That's it."

"I knew it!" Said Sandra. "So...When can I expect this miracle to happen? I mean, I know you work in mysterious ways, but I'm busy tomorrow and I won't have time Wednesday morning. I'm actually on a pretty tight schedule due to my success."

Santa tapped the hat.

"What?" Asked Sandra.

"Miracles aren't cheap," said Santa.

"It's not pro-bono?"

"In what awful, lifetime original movie are miracles pro-bono?!"

So Sandra put another dollar in the hat. Santa frowned.

"A tiny miracle then?"

Sandra sighed. "Just how much is this going to cost?"

"Well, har har. Tis the season of giving, isn't it?"

So Sandra emptied her wallet, and Santa seemed pleased.

"Alright," he said. "Now we're talking. You will receive your miracle...At 5pm on Wednesday."

Meanwhile...

Chris was also having a hard time sleeping due to the fact that Veronica would not stop calling him.

"I mean, you're single. She's single. You're obviously meant to be together!"

"It's really late Veronica," said Chris desperately. "Can't this wait until morning?"

"No!" Veronica was on a mix of redbull, ambien and vodka (Smirnoff), and it was making her a little crazy. "Not until you admit that you like her!"

"Well yeah. Sure I do," Chris admitted. "This isn't really your business is it? Don't you have other things to do than meddle with your coworker's love lives?"

"NO!" Said Veronica, even crazier. "So it's settled. You'll take her to the Christmas bonanza!"

"Yeah-no!" Chris was nearly dragged into her evil plot when he remembered why he hadn't asked already. "Sandra would never go with a guy like me. I'm the office nerd. Remember?"

"You's not halves the nerd as I'm an apostolic-"

"Do you mean alcoholic?"

"No, Chris." If she could have, Veronica would have reached an arm through the phone line to drape it over Chris's shoulder. "I'm not hitting on you. Because I love Sandra so much. And I loves you so much. And I'm just thinking that yous and hers belongs together."

"Are you crying?" Asked Chris.

"Yes. That's how much I loves you guys. So it's settled then. You're gonna come over and let me turn you into her prince charming. And then you and her are going to ride away in a carriage and get married on a cloud."

"Ok..."

"You're gonna have cloud babies..."

"Umm-"

"In the skyyyyy,"

Chris had had enough. "If I agree to come over will you stop calling me?"

There was a long pause and then he heard the faint sound of snoring from Veronica's end. Chris hung up and went to bed, glad that it was finally over.