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Ashley
Ashley
God, I couldn't deny that I didn't miss Louisiana. The smells, the people All the food and places brought back memories...
James sat on the driver's side. While I sat next to him on the passenger side. Jordan sat in the back on his Nintendo Switch.
How much I missed the long car rides and dinner conversations.From Jordan games and school life. To James' conversation about work. 'Oh, yeah, and the Sports channel. "How could I forget."
Heading back to the house, Jordan's mom had to pick him up. Leaving me and James to ourselves. The hotel wasn't far from the house.
Getting out of the car as James followed closely behind me. I despised the fact that I still find Comfort in the scent of his Cologne.
"It's unlocked," James spoke softly as I looked for my keys. Still with that habit." That was one thing I 'couldn't stand'. All because we lived in the countryside.' 'Didn't mean to leave your front door unlocked.
I remember vividly how I used to come home to an unlocked door. Walking in I stood in the doorway. Glancing at everything that was still in place as The day I left it.
Clean and neat, the hole in the wall that James punched in was now sealed. painted over matching the rest of the entire way.
lin·ger·ing /ˈliNGɡ(ə)riNG/ Learn to pronounce adjective lasting for a long time or slow to end. "There are still some lingering doubts in my mind"
Walking in I made my way straight to the downstairs bathroom. to wash my hands as James went into his office. That was one thing I was taught. Clean hands before going into the kitchen. My mother didn't play nor did my grandparents.
Going into the refrigerator I began to get everything prepared for spread... Since Jordan won't be home until Tuesday I figured I'll meal prep... I mean James could cook his butt off. Jordan has favored mines over the years.
I gotta make up for all the meals I missed.
After preparing everything. I figured I could take James a drink and a cigar. That was something I would usually do while cooking dinner.
I mean there wasn't much left to do. The house was already cleaned.
Cutting the end the way he liked it. I on the other hand wasn't much of a smoker but I did admire the brown liquor that James drank.
Walking down the hall I hesitated as I stood In front of the closed door. Why was I so Anxious, gosh it was a nice juster. Maybe it was the fact that we hadn't seen each other. Maybe that was it... I mean
Knocking on the door lightly as James' voice bounced from the other side.
"Come in." opening the door slowly I peeked my head in first. To see him behind his desk. With soft music playing in the background.
"Umm, I come bearing gifts." I held the cigar and glass."
"Nodded his head. I sat the glass down and passed him the cigar.
"Nice." James grinned, with the cigar between his fingers before lighting it.
"Thanks," I whispered turning to leave James called my name.
"Umm, yeah. I feel like I know where this is headed... "yup I should have prepared for this...
Truthfully, even if I was prepared I still wouldn't be prepared if that makes any sense.
James was still emotional about the situation. I mean both of us were. Who was I fooling I wasn't over it either." but I couldn't keep dragging him away from something I couldn't give him. Him or Jordan... Breaking their hearts was breaking my heart.
The one thing we both wanted more than life itself was a child. I remember when we first started dating. we would have Conversations about having children and how I wanted two sets of twins.
But deep down, it didn't matter what they were as long as they were healthy...
James wanted a little girl. He already had Jordan and felt that a little girl would complete his world...
It didn't matter to me, I was just nervous about everything I just wanted a healthy baby... I remember the first time I find out that I was pregnant. A mix of happiness and anxiety I felt...
"Jordan misses you a lot and I do too." James pulled the cigar away from his lips.
Nodding sure, I took a seat in the chair that sat in front of his desk...
"I miss you both as well." I noticed the sadness in my voice that I had been trying to hide... I didn't want to cry I was tired of sobbing.
"Look it doesn't have to be like this." I want us to be a family. I want us to be us..." like we used to be..." James leaned back in his chair.
Staying silent, I wanted him to have the floor. I wanted him to express his feelings.
"Jordan is starting to fail in school. we have talked about this." but you not being here is affecting him badly." James stares with suffering in his eyes.
I tried talking to Jordan, about school and his grades." I called every day and night it's not like I just up and left."
"James, I don't think it's fair that I'm dragging both of you guys along with me." It's not worth letting you guys down. The one thing you want the most... I can't give you." A child or Jordan a sibling... I promised myself that I wouldn't cry...
But here I was letting the waterworks fall.
"But you didn't even let me decide whether I wanted this to end." you just out of the blue packed up everything you owned and told me you were leaving." how do you think I feel about this? He spoke with emotion that echoed through me.
"Five years of marriage! "For you to give up like we weren't nothing," James spoke with resentment as I sat quietly...
James, look I'm aware of this situation." I didn't mean for any of this to occur." I tried to explain...
"You didn't mean for any of this to happen." But what about Jordan? Hun, what about the family we started." James spoke with anger
"James I get it," but we should let this go." I can't give you what you want." I spoke calmly
"What the fuck! I want." "what the fuck, I already have." "You." you can be so selfish." it's unbelievable," James shouted as he got up to leave.
"Fuck you." I'm selfish? I gave up everything for you." following you across the country." I yelled back at him.
"Your complaining now, but didn't have much to say," James spoke hostility
"You want to do this, not me! Ok, I love you more than I love myself." you and Jordan! However, this isn't it! You are not the only one who's losing in this I am too... What about Jordan? You can find someone else who can give you both what you want." I felt every word I said...
"I want my wife here." for us to be ok." I don't care anymore about any of this." James spoke softly
"James, this isn't working." I tried to get out without crying. Here stood the man I married and loved with all my heart... breaking my heart as I broke his...
My body was tired. After the last miscarriage, I was Destroyed mentally and physically.
I wasn't here... Working overtime to forget all of my problems. I wasn't nothing like I used to be... I lost myself this time...
As things grew quiet. James left as I stayed behind. Here in my thoughts...
