Online dating

1

I looked down at my stomach, which has just acquired new future scars. I don't feel useful. Everyone seems to have given up on me and backed away, like they're scared.

Whenever I go up and talk to someone they seem so cautious, as if I'm a vase on a high shelf that can fall if you dust it.

I feel so weak. There's blankets over every mirror because I cry every time I see the reflection. All the shutters are closed because I can no longer sympathize with the light.

It's so bright and happy out there during the day. It's also dull. Blindingly bright, basic joy, boring, simple. Bliss is overrated, happiness is so invariable.

Sadness is so complex though, there's jealousy, revenge, defiance, depression, and all of the angry emotions.

I'm an engineer who spends time singing, writing, drawing, playing guitar and cutting.

The hospital has had me in it 4 times for suicide attempts. Ha I can't even die right. The hospital still gives me sleeping pills for insomnia though. Maybe because they think I don't know how to overdose. They gave me antidepressants too but I've used neither.

I used to kick box but that's down the drain I probably have forgotten how since high school.

My laptop screen lights up asking about hot single ladies (a/n: put your hands up). It's funny to me because I don't like anything about that. For one looks mean nothing, personality and 'imperfections' are what is worthwhile of a person, two I'm asexual and I would say I'm homoromantic but I'm panromantic.

There is another pop up though. It says "Finally a dating website for the LGBT+ community!" .

Maybe a date we'll make me feel better. No it won't, everyone is either left or leaves. Dating only gives you pain, besides who would date me?

I am mute every so often for months, I stain the bathroom, I cry to sleep almost every night, I'm boring, hideous & can't comfort or compliment well, and I won't even have sex.

Jess left because of that they said "get over yourself, everyone wants it just recover from your shit". Of course that made me let him do it because I shouldn't be an attention whore.

I'll just sign up, if I get matched then I'll go on the date as long as it's after 6 or on Friday Saturday or Sunday.

I need a life instead of never socializing.