When The Darkness Takes Us: Jess's Story

Fangirl for Me

Tfw77: Thanks for accepting my friend request

Jessica_Symphony: Your username does not instill confidence in me

Tfw77: I don't have any bad intentions

Jessica_Symphony: Okay, what did you want then?

Tfw77: I know you don't know me, but can I tell you a story about something I went through?

Jessica_Symphony: Sure.

He proceeds to tell me about a woman he knew years ago. She was a little older. She was nice to him. He started to follow her. He started to show up places where he knew she'd be. When she started using the word 'stalking' he could barely believe it.

Jessica_Symphony: Wow. I'm sorry you went through that.

Tfw77: Was probably really scary for her. I get that now. Back then, I was just fucking pissed that she was being such a cunt after leading me on. That's what I thought she did.

Jessica_Symphony: You were really attached to her?

Tfw77: Yeah. But she only talked to me once. One time. Then I went really crazy.

Jessica_Symphony: I know what that's like.

Tfw77: I can see that. Seems like you've got low self-esteem.

Jessica_Symphony: That's true enough

Tfw77: I have low self-esteem

Jessica_Symphony: You're probably a young guy. Young people are still figuring stuff out.

Tfw77: Um no. I'm not. I'm older than you. In my forties.

Jessica_Symphony: Oh

Tfw77: My mom really screwed my head up. Sounds like you went through the same thing.

Jessica_Symphony: Yeah

Tfw77: You've gotta stop losing your shit over Richard. It seems like he's enjoying it.

Jessica_Symphony: You know him?

I don't tell him about what anon told me. That Richard isn't real. That he's a whole group of guys. I can't tell if I should. There's part of me that worries this could be Richard, or one of the people that play him. I'm not revealing all that I've heard.

Tfw77: I know him sort of. Talk to him every once in a while. He told me things about you.

A wave of dizziness washes over me. Black spots in my vision.

I type with shaking fingers.

Jessica_Symphony: He told you unflattering things?

Tfw77: He said that you were really obsessive and creepy.

I'm not going to cry. I tell myself that I can't cry over this. It would be ridiculous to cry over this man even one more time. This only hurts because I haven't fully accepted that this nice, sweet, brave man in my head doesn't exist. This shouldn't hurt if it's coming from a shitty person, a group of shitty people. This only hurts because the version I wanted so badly still lives in my head somewhere.

Jessica_Symphony: People are so fake. People are such cowards. He was nice to my face. Then went and said that.

Tfw77: He's like that. He talks badly about everyone.

And I remember then. The stuff I tried to excuse away or ignore. He was very negative about the people he's supposed to be friends with. He did always have a snide comment in his back pocket. And I'm reeling now. How how how did I view him as nice?

Tfw77: Makes me wonder what he has to say about me when I'm not around.

Jessica_Symphony: Thanks for telling me, I guess. Wish I knew why he bothered going out of his way to hurt me.

Tfw77: He'll never tell you. He's very cagey and avoidant.

Jessica_Symphony: Okay

Tfw77: Did you think maybe you liked him because he's sort of bland?

Jessica_Symphony: What do you mean?

Tfw77: He doesn't have much personality. It's like a blank slate to imagine whatever you want. And him being so cagey and avoidant doesn't help

Jessica_Symphony: At this point, I have no idea.

Tfw77: Feelings make no sense sometimes. But I think you only feel this way because you're naive and have low self-esteem. You have to sort that low self-esteem out.

Jessica_Symphony: You gonna sort yours out?

Jessica_Symphony: Hello?

Tfw77: Want to see my youtube channel? You can fangirl for me if you want. I wouldn't mind that.

And because I'm an absolute idiot, I tell him to send me a link.