When The Darkness Takes Us: Jess's Story

Ache

I'll never send him the message. I'll only write it out for me.

It says, I know I'm crazy and I'm sorry. It didn't start this way, I promise.

I type it out. Again and again. I feel my heart pang with the clang of the keys.

It says, It was a crush. A little crush. I get them all the time. It doesn't matter. It didn't matter. You weren't supposed to notice.

And then I stop and think of everything he doesn't know. How I watched and rewatched his videos on youtube, thinking, I wouldn't be this lonely with you. I'd take such good care of you. I'd do everything for you. I'd make you so happy. You deserve to be so happy.

I give up on writing it for a second. Remembering what a massive creep I am. Realizing how gross he must think I am.

And what he said to me...

"You've gotten sort of intense.....not sure what's happening....can't tell if you're flirting....you pay attention to me a lot."

Translation: back up, bitch. You crazy unsettled bitch. Go settle yourself, bitch.

But no, he'd never say anything like that.

Nobody is as mean to me as I am inside my head and I'm trapped in here with me.

I look at myself in the mirror. My gross yellow teeth, so full of gaps. My acne scars. Turned my face to lumpy porridge. He could have young women, beautiful women, even if he thinks he couldn't, and deep down he must know that and he must think I'm gross. But such a sweet man, I don't think he'd ever say that.

He would think it. That's enough shame for me.

I have no right to want him and it's not because I'm married, it's because I'm gross.

I part my lips, look at the terrible gap between my two yellow front teeth.

Then I buckle down and finish writing it. The message I will never send.

It was normal at first. I promise it was normal. I did NOT go barging into your community to catch feelings for you, flirt with you, fuck with you(?)....probably not even important enough to fuck with you. Annoy you is more like it. That's what I bet. I bet so. But really, I promise I was interested in your work. Your whole story of falling into debt with pick-up artistry and then you made your website and you offer help to these guys who have fallen for the same stuff! The forum you have where you let anyone in. Your whole philosophy is so interesting. You are such an individual thinker. You're so smart.....even before I got weird, I saw you and I said, 'Wow, this man is really doing some shit.'

I promise I wanted to interview you before I got weird.....although I guess I didn't actually ask you until after I got weird. That was why I joined your website in the first place. I was going to hang around for just a bit, feel the place out, and then hit you up with an interview request. But I got nervous and....nobody asked me to leave or anything. I hung around. I read your posts.....I liked you.

It didn't matter. You know? What did it matter if I liked some random man on the internet. Besides I wasn't even physically attracted to you (no offense). I'd seen your most popular youtube video. You know the one I mean. Thought you were kind of whiney at first, not gonna lie. And you have blue eyes and red hair. That's not my thing at all. Always been one for dark eyes and dark hair. I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings or anything-it's just that you should know I wasn't a creepy stalker to start with. I found you interesting and that was it. Then on your website, I read your posts and comments.....and I found you charming....funny....smart....and THAT was it. And that's not a big deal at all. So what? Charming, funny, smart man. Lots of those in the world. I'm a journalist. I have integrity. I wasn't getting weird....