~wishful~

!TW! -suggests ed-

I hoped that he would want me. After all I had made a perfect persona; smart, athletic, pretty, and outgoing. I'd always been in the classes that provided extra help but I finally decided to get my act together and start studying. Once I scored almost perfectly on the SATs he was sure to like me. Right? Unfortunately my newfound smarts didn't do the trick, so I tried another approach. Honestly I've never cared for sports. I was never the right fit, my hand eye coordination was truly embarrassing. But I practiced three different sports to grab his attention. First it was basketball, I liked that it was indoors, but I was always benched and never understood how to shoot. Next was volleyball with the short shorts that were almost guaranteed to grab his attention, and it was still inside for my sake. But again his eyes never wandered to my figure. Lastly I challenged myself to cheer. The mini skirts flying in the air were sure to make him crave me. And that somewhat worked but my face was too puffy and I was much too fat. So I became pretty. Hours upon hours if my time was spent watching videos on how to do sexy makeup or how to find the lipstick shade that matched my complexion. Each day I woke up earlier and earlier to do a full face, covering my blemishes almost perfectly. My face was no longer puffy but pretty. Unfortunately the makeup didn't hide my stomach. I practically looked pregnant! I needed to loose weight immediately. I would starve myself for days on end, filling my desires for food with water and mint gum. After weeks I was finally picture perfect. He would have to look at me now. But alas, his glance never rested on me. I was too quiet! Yes! That was it! So I stared to go to parties. Every weekend I would go out and drink until I passed out and do lines until I became dizzy. In the loopy state of mind that those substances put me in I was definitely loud. This would certainly get him to stare at me. And it did. It finally worked. He started to look at me more lustfully, and I thought that's what I wanted. Eventually we started to date, and we even hooked up a couple of times but then he left. Ghosted me completely. The he started to look at other girls. I mean it was worth the two weeks. Who cared if I got three hours of sleep because I got up early to put on my face? Who cared if I lost twenty pounds in a month? Who cared if the dark circles under my eyes were as dark as bruises? It didn't matter.
Because it's what he wanted.
What I thought I wanted.

~desperate for validation