those damn wheat biscuits

chapter 3: arms crossed

the first time tom held me i clung to him. 

i wasn't sure how it started but it was nothing the way shayla had come onto me. 

tom was at my place because his wifi was down and he didn't have time to pay the bill and wait for it to start working again. he sat on his spot on my couch while i sat on the windowsill slab.

studio flats could be a bit embarrassing sometimes, my bed, kitchen and living room were all essentially the same room. thankfully they had the decency to make the loo separate. 

it was snowing outside which fogged up the frosted windows. pasley ice crystals covered the corners of the glass. 

i wasn't sure when tom had walked up to me but i soon felt his body behind me. he was looking out the window like i was, assuming i had seen something -- there was nothing there of course. 

the sleeves of his crisp white button-down were folded up to his elbows, the first 3 buttons undone. his thick thighs filled in his slacks well, his calloused hands stuffed deep into his pockets. 

the first mistake i made was turning around. my nose was right in front of his abdomen, eyes falling onto his wide chest before gazing up to his penetrating hazel eyes. my face felt awfully funny as my pelvis began to tingle. 

there was a tickle that started from the bottom of my stomach and came up to my chest, right onto my thundering heart. 

he kept his eyes on me, waiting for me to jerk away but i wasn't going to and that was enough for him to place his hand on my hair and i carefully unbuckled his belt. 

my bed was right next to the window i used to look out from and for some reason, tom never mentioned how it faced his window. 

i knew he noticed it did. 

the morning after, i woke up around 5 to catch him staring out the window, his arms crossed under his head while my head rested on his chest, body twisted towards his warmth. i felt a little pathetic but i always did when i was with tom. 

"tea's almost done." he didn't look at me. 

"i should get ready for class." 

"you' teaching or attending?" 

"teaching." 

"good luck."

my biggest mistake when it came to tom was giving him power over me, a power he didn't even know was exclusively his. 

a power which he thought as my weakness and perhaps he was right. 

tom was wrong quite often but i never corrected him like i corrected others. it was out of fear of patronising him and taking his confidence away. i didn't want to seem harsh, especially to tom. 

my second mistake was sleeping with him before we could figure out who we were to each other, our mutual resistance to confrontation didn't help either. 

for the longest time, we avoided the discussion or even the idea that we meant something to each other. there was a silent agreement between us; we were two people who dined together and warmed up each other's beds -- until further notice. 

neither of us was ready to take a stand for something which was -- now thinking back to -- quite obviously there. things went on like that until one fine evening. 

i had liked this guy at my university for a while -- allen popov was his name. a tall, slightly chubby fellow with a buzzcut. he was the t.a to the head of russian literature. 

i never asked allen out neither did he show any interest in me so i assumed it was a cold case. until of course, he showed up outside the main building trying to buzz into my floor -- disregarding the front desk's protest. 

"mr aslanyan wanted me to drop these off at your desk but the door was locked and it was urgent sorry for not calling i didn't have your number and sara could only pass me your addres--" 

least to say, he was apologetic but i wasn't listening to a word he was saying. my eyes had trained towards tom who walked up the street with headphones in his ears and a skip to his walk. he was coming home earlier than usual. 

"-- it's something about the finnish-russo war 1930s? i think but this is really my major so --" 

"i'll take a look at it." 

i had to send him off before tom saw him and it was i could think of. 

"great -- hey, me and a few people from the department are hanging out at a pub close by if you wan--" 

"i'll see you tomorrow allen." 

i wasn't quick enough, tom had spotted me before anyone else. a sharp gaze that flushed my face, but then his penetrating eyes fell onto allen who was too busy babbling to notice my silence. 

tom didn't stop nor did he say hello. he simply headed to my flat where he waited on his spot on my couch. 

he still had his coat on when i entered, his briefcase placed between his feet as he sat on the edge of his seat. elbows on his knees, hands clasped together in front of his mouth. 

"hello," 

silence.

"how was work?" 

silence.

"uh ... would you like some tea?" 

"no," he sighed, "i'm not quite sure why i'm here."

while his voice was awfully sombre mine was an octave higher than usual something that only happened around tom. 

he wasn't a shrewd man, anything but. nor was he was a particularly scary looking man. 

he was just too quiet and unsure for his own good, and it made me doubt myself along with him.

. 

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-- 3/11/21