In Every Breath - Sen Çal Kapimi

1

Eda scowled at that strange yellow envelope.
She observed it for a few seconds, turning it over in her hands, trying to remember if she had already noticed it before, in the package of documents that they had brought from the office. She glanced quickly at Serkan who was waiting for her outside the camper, then opened it by taking out the sheets it contained.
She frowned the brow as she realized it was a diagnostic test and blanched suddenly when she read Serkan Bolat's name in her header.
She stared at the image printed on the paper, an unequivocal X-ray photograph of a human head, and her heart suddenly skipped a beat.
She looked at Serkan again, still with his back to her, his face pointed at the dark sky, then stared again at that black and white image, her breath caught in her throat.
She clung to the tailgate as a sense of oppression suddenly pressed against her heart and she walked down those two steps, not quite sure she was able to really understand.
«Se-Serkan?», she called to him, her voice uncertain and a lump in her throat. «What's this?».
He turned to look at her, a half smile on her lips who died as she met her eyes. He stared at her for a moment, frowning at her brow, then lowered them to the papers she was handing him and held her breath as he lifted them back on her.
He stood looking at her petrified, without the courage to answer her, completely unprepared to give her an explanation that he had been postponing for days. And while he keeped silent, it was proper that silence of his that confessed everything.
Eda gasped, completely incredulous, her blood freezing in her veins as a mixture of anger and fear began to make her body tremble. It wasn't possible... it wasn't possible... not to Serkan... not to them...
She took one step, then two. Slow, cautious, her limbs pushed to move by a totally mechanical impulse, her head spinning.
«What is it, Serkan?», she asked him again, her voice trembling.
She needed him to answer her. That he would tell her it was a misunderstanding, that it was just a routine test and that she had simply misunderstood. But that his silence... that his stubborn silence... and the contracted jaw, the guilty look... They were more eloquent than anything he could ever have said.
She saw him enter Art Life again, his gaze shadowy, lost, worried.
"Are you okay?...", she had asked him as a strange sensation snaked over her skin.
"Yes I'm fine...". But he had hesitated. "Can we go to the office? I want to talk with you...".
He should have said something to her that day but then, for some reason, she had changed her mind.
"Then? What did you want to talk to me about?...".
"I forgot it...".
And she had believed him. She had wanted to do it. Preferring to make enough for herself those sweet words that he had said to her a little earlier, instead of heeding that feeling that had attacked her when she saw him. Chasing it away quickly, so as not to cloud the happiness they had finally earned.
Only now did she realize what Serkan had really hidden in the shadow that had clouded his gaze. How could she have been so superficial?
She held her breath and staggered as terror gripped her heart in a grip so tight it hurt.
«Eda...».
Serkan bridged the little distance between them, closing her in his arms.
«Why?», she screamed as she pounded her fists against his chest, preferring to hide in her anger rather than indulge the excruciating pain that not made her breathe. «Why didn't you tell me anything?».
He held her tighter, not to stop her but to hold her in a desperate embrace. He buried his face in her hair. «I'm sorry», he whispered. «I'm sorry».
Eda slammed a final punch against him, weak, surrendered, then she let herself go into that embrace, clinging to Serkan with all the strength she had.
Now she understood ... now she understood everything: the extravagances, the senseless behavior, the follies that he had allowed himself. A change far too drastic for him... how could had she not have realized that there was something else underneath?
«Why didn't you tell me, Serkan?», she repeated between sobs, hugging on to him.
«I didn't succeed».
And the weight of those words suddenly crushed her, as she imagined the torment that was agitating him inside. The anguish... the fear. Alone. Completely alone.
She got up her gaze looking for his one, resentment swept away by concern for him. She stared at him for a moment as the shadow in his eyes grew darker. She now recognized it. It had been in his gaze all those days and she had ignored it.
«We'll face it together», she told him, framing his face with her hands and stifling her sobs. Whatever would be the size of that storm, she would remain beside him.
Serkan brought his forehead to her one and closed his eyes as a tired breath escaped his lips. That she stayed was the only thing he needed.
She realized at that moment that, not telling her, had been an attempt at self-defense as well as evasion.
He had been afraid. Fear that the moment he did, she would pull back, removing the hand that held her heart. And what would become of him if she no longer supported him? Where would that heart go if she stopped holding it?
The truth was that that thought scared him more than anything else. Facing that evil alone... without her... it would have been like drowning.
He squeezed her tightly, sinking his face into the hollow of her neck and inhaled her perfume. There wasn't safer refuge than her... there was no house that wasn't her. And it would been like that forever.