In Every Breath - Sen Çal Kapimi

4.

"Are you really okay?"

Eda curled up against him, her legs folded on the sofa, Serkan's arms around her body.

She had always thought it was the best place in the world, that one, enveloped by her warmth as her heartbeat, which she could feel throbbing behind her back, became a lullaby that cradled her soul. It was home. And it was peaceful.

She stroked his left bicep with the fingers of her right hand, lingering for a few seconds on the tension of the muscle, then she slid along his toned forearm to intertwine them with Serkan's. She felt him gasp, the breath held, and she couldn't avoid that mischievous smile that drew on her lips.

It had always been like that between them: a touch was enough to set their emotions on fire; just lightly touch to kindle their bodies. From the beginning. When, still unaware of their feelings, they pretended to be together by contract.

Pure electricity that ran through their every inch, animating them with uncontrollable impulses, and that exploded on contact. And if at the time they had difficulty to give a name what they felt, they realized all too quickly that it was something they couldn't escape.

Because no matter how hard they tried to reject each other, they had both been forced to surrender to something that was stronger than their every will. And indifference had turned into desire ... and hatred had turned into love.

Serkan brushed her hair to the side of her and rubbed his nose on her cheek, like a feline pointing out its possession, then placed a kiss on her cheekbone.

"I'm fine ..." he whispered in her ear, his voice soothing. «Enough to do this...», a second kiss just below the first. "And this ...", then a third. "And this...", and a quarter, until it reaches the neck.

She pressed the lower lip between her teeth as a shiver of pleasure climbed up her spine; she closed her eyes as Serkan reached her collarbone, baring her shoulder.

She slipped out of his embrace, turning to him, and slipped her fingers through his hair as Serkan took possession of her mouth. Tender, sweet, delicate, and then stronger and bolder, until the desire burned.

"Serkan ..." Eda whispered on his lips and there was no need for her to say anything else.

He unbuttoned her light blouse, letting her do the same with him, then he pulled off her pants and got rid of those too, in a dance that accompanied them until the bedroom.

He pushed her onto the bed, bringing onto her, their bodies still covered only by the thin fabric of the underwear and, with anxious hands, he freed them both from those too.

He caressed her face, her hair that created soft waves on the pale sheet, and was lost for a moment in her eyes ... in that gaze so intense that it had bewitched him from the beginning, when it had struck him full of hatred and anger in the University Auditorium. He would never have believed, that day, that she would become her only reason for his life.

He kissed her again, passionately, then he slowly made his way into her, their bodies joined in a single embrace. And as Eda welcomed him into her, following his movements, Serkan thought about what a lucky man he was.

His ... only his ... always his.

Did he really deserve that angel, after all the pain he had caused her? After leaving her alone on their wedding day and returning with another woman, without any memory of her?

He had broken her heart, he had rejected her and then ... "If I were born a hundred more times, I would fall in love with you a hundred times more ...".

And it had been so. He had really fallen in love with her again, like it was the first time. About her stubbornness, her vitriolic words, her tears, her sweetness, her smile and her wonderful eyes. Of hatred and love that they had not been able to hide.

He held his breath as lowered his forehead to her breast and a gasp shook him, forcing him to stop.

"Serkan?" Eda looked at him uncertainly, her heart having started beating uncontrollably. "Serkan?" She placed a hand on his hair, the urgency barely held back. "Are you okay?" Her voice reduced to a whisper.

Serkan finally lifted her face to her, his gaze clouded with held back tears. "I...".

"Good heavens, Serkan!" Eda slipped her body out from under his, kneeling in front of him, her hands holding up his face so that she could look into his eyes and a knot tightening her throat. "What happens?".

Serkan lowered his head back against her breast, and pressed tightly against her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered alone. "I'm sorry".

No... he didn't deserve her. And Eda didn't deserve what was happening now. How could she ask her to stay next to him again? With what right?

"Serkan, please don't say that." She placed her lips on his hair, immensely relieved that it hadn't been an illness, her arms around to that body close to his. "It's not important ... we don't need to continue ...".

Serkan looked up in disbelief, slightly shaking his head. Did he think he didn't want to make love with her? Couldn't he make it? Heaven, how wrong he was! He could have continued indefinitely, had it not been the sense of guilt that blocked him.

"Eda...".

So why couldn't he tell her? Why couldn't she confess to her what was inside him? The fear ... the sense of helplessness ... the guilt ... the terror of losing her.

Eda stroked his face, a reassuring smile curving her lips, then she took his hands and lay down inviting him to do the same. She settled against his chest, in his arms, in the one place she would never get tired of being.

"Let's stay like this," she told him, without expecting any other explanation. "Let's just stay like that."

No. He didn't deserve her.

He did not deserve all the love that she constantly gave him. Yet he might as well die right there, in that moment, if he one day he had to live without her.

He pressed his mouth to her hair, giving up once again to open his thoughts and he held her tight all night as the demons inside him slowly began to eat his heart.