Unwanted prisoner

2: The hidden truth

~Eleanor~

TW:mentions of Self Harm and Depression

I don't own many nice clothes but I've decided to wear a green dress with small white flowers on it.

The dress is quite breezy which means I won't have to hide my food baby afterwards.
I have decided to pair the dress with my black converse because they go with everything.

And plus harry styles once said
"I love when a girls wears like a dress and converse" so by a very slight chance of me meeting Harry i will never stop.

The main piece of jewellery being my gold heart locket which holds the one family photo of me, mum and Jake. Which I cherish so very much.

I wipe away a tear that unknowingly fell down my cheek. Taking a deep breath in and trying to focus on something else.

I know it's bad to push down my feelings but I havn't had a proper cry or even let myself truly think about mum and Jake after the accident happened.

I feel pain whenever I'm left alone with my thoughts. I just don't have enough strength to deal with the pain in a healthy way.
The only coping mechanism I have is to either take my thoughts away by eating comfort food, sleeping or the one that truly hurts, sh.

I think I started cutting because my pain had been converted into a physical pain not so much mental.

The stings that come as my blood pours out is the only thing I can think about in that moment.

Sometimes I cut because I want to distract myself, other times it's because I feel as though I deserve to feel this type of pain.
They wouldn't have been in the car crash if it hadn't been for my ridiculous self.

The whole situation had started with me curled up in blankets in my bed as i balled my eyes out. My dumb high school boyfriend had just dumped me.

We had been dating for 2 years. I was head over heels in love with him.
Young love, it's stupid.

I used to think about how cute it would be to tell people I got married to my high school sweetheart. But obviously that didn't happen.

I had asked.. no begged Jake to go get me ice cream, mint chop chip to be exact(my fav).
Btw Mint Ice- cream is delicious and does not taste like toothpaste for gods sake.

Back to where I had left off... Mum was already going out to the shops to get some groceries and so Jake went with her.

Basically what happened was as they were turning the corner a car came flying through a red light and crashed right into them. Jake getting hit first not even being able to hang on for any more than 5 minutes.

Mum was unconscious when the ambos got there.
I was the first person called and I had rode to the scene on my bike.

They were pulling mum out from the car and into the back of the ambos. I tried to keep myself together when I saw mum lying there unconscious but I simply couldn't.

I balled my eyes out the whole drive to the hospital. I held onto mums hand the whole way, they didn't even bother going into surgery.

She was already on the blink of death on the way there. They had just held onto the hope of a miracle occurring. They already knew Jake was gone I still hadn't processed anything.

I thought Jake had just been taken in another ambulance but that was not the case.
His body had already been behind the scene and converted up.

I didn't tell the people who i was as the only thing I wanted to do was get mum straight to the hospital.