A Shattered Mind

Confusion

2021
As the sun poured in through her bedroom windows filling the room with its morning light, Riley got out of bed feeling that she hadn't slept at all. All this business between het brother and her best friend has messed her up pretty good. The sounds and images still haunt her almost a year later. Her house seemed to be darker, her heart heavier than ever. A somber ambience has overtaken their home since that night. Riley has become a shell of her former self. No more did she have any interest in the outside world. Jenny's parents had sent her of to some bible camp after the trial promising to "fix" her and Riley knew that it was maybe the right thing to do and all, but she didn't believe Jenny to be broken. She was looking at the photo she had of the two of them on her bedside table. "Best get ready for school" she sighed and got up out of bed. As she went towards the bathroom to brush her teeth she walked past Kyle's old room and peered in. She knew every detail of how everything went down from the time he was caught until the time he was sentenced, but it still felt unreal. It felt like a bad dream that she was ready to wake up from at any time. She dragged herself into the bathroom to finish up and once done she let her mom know that she was ready to be dropped off.

The road to school seemed to last for ages as the car was filled with complete silence. No more Kelly Clarkson blaring over the radio with two girls dancing and singing in the backseat. Their first stop would usually have been at Jenny's as she would always drive with them to school. Riley was staring out the window motionless and lost in thought. "Are you okay honey?" Her mother's voice broke the silence. "I'm fine" she replied "Just thinking about stuff". "Did you remember to pack your school project?" She continued. "Yep, I got it" this time giving a half smile in her mother's direction. She replied with the same. When the car came to a standstill in front of the school, Riley picked up her bag and walked through the school gates. It was a dreary day, like so many before, Riley was just keeping her head down and getting through the day. During breaks, Riley would lie on the field completely alone watching the clouds until the ring of the school bel would chase her back to class. Riley knew she was not paying any attention during class and her grades showed as much, she didn't really care though. After everything she struggled to find anything that she really cared about.

2020
It was a month after the trial and Jenny and Riley were lazing about in the park close to Jenny's home. Things haven't really been the same between them since the trial. Jenny was always looking over her shoulder and would act nervously around any male they encountered, except Mr Harley. They both felt a sense of safety when he was around. Jenny and Riley had grown very close since the incident as Riley's guilt compelled her to always have an eye on Jenny. When they would sleep over Jenny would cuddle up close to Riley and she would not fall asleep until she was certain Jenny was in a peaceful slumber. She had an immense obligation to protect Jenny as best she could. Jenny was safe with Riley and knew that she could trust her to be her protector. With the sun setting in the background behind Riley, Jenny thought that this was the prettiest that she's ever looked. The setting sun bouncing off Riley's auburn hair made her look like the angel she was to Jenny. They were lying on the grass watching the clouds when a tear rolled down the side of Jenny's face. Riley saw this and moved in closer to comfort her friend. "Is everything alright Jen?" She asked. "Yeah..." Jenny replied, "... it's just..." she hesitated, "Never mind it's really stupid". "No..." said Riley, "...nothing you could ever say would be stupid to me". Jenny stared up at the orange sky. "Well..." she started " it's just that I feel different than before". "Of course you feel different Jen, you went through a lot". Jenny turned her head and looked at Riley, her green eyes reflecting her own face. "Yeah, I guess. Still I'm very confused, but I'm ashamed to talk about it". "Come on Jen. You know you can tell me anything.". Riley brushed the hair from Jenny's face as she said this showing Jenny her "no bullshit between us" face. Jenny turned her face back to the sky and took a deep breath. "I just can't look at boys anymore. Every time I see a boy, I get flashbacks of that night and I'm so afraid it will happen again. But I also feel a void inside, a hole begging to be filled and I don't know what to do. I saw a girl yesterday in the mall and I had a strange flutter. I thought she was very beautiful and not in the 'I want to look like that' way but rather in the 'I want to see that every day' kinda way. Does that makes sense?" Jenny turned back to Riley as she asked this. Riley was clearly not expecting this confession and was a bit startled by this information, but she brushed Jenny's hair to the side to show her the "no bullshit" face again, but as soon as their eyes locked, something strange happened. For some reason Riley could not break this gaze. She got lost in Jenny's hazel eyes and they were surrounded by silence. The whole world around them faded into nothing and their gaze seemed to last forever. "You'll never hurt me, would you?" Jenny asked in a whisper tone. "Never!" Riley's voice was confident and reassuring when saying this and Jenny took her shot. Her eyes darted down to Riley's lips and quickly back to her eyes, the invitation was made and as if entranced, Riley could do nothing else but accept it. She leaned in closer and her lips paused almost touching Jenny's. Her heart stopped beating and her breath was gone. Jenny had her locked in this position for what felt like an eternity.  The world spun twice its speed at that moment and as soon as Jenny completed the kiss everything stopped. Time itself was no more it was just the two of them and nothing else. Passion grew in that kiss as the sky turned dark. Jenny's hands started exploring Riley's body and she returned the favor. She rolled over on top of Jenny and slid her hand down the front of Jenny's shorts and as she felt her fingertips making contact with Jenny's soft skin, she felt something inside of her that she had never felt before. Jenny felt her friends fingertips and froze for a second then as if by some explosion, she pushed against Riley's chest and withdrew her lips. "Wait!" She said almost breathless. "We can't" and she moved Riley off of her body. "I need to get home, it's getting late" Jenny said this while getting up from the grass. She gathered her things, fixed her clothes and headed home almost running, leaving Riley on the grass staring at her friend darting away.