Everything Sinister

Sixty-Three

But I will always stay a sinner.

If anything changes the world... isn't it just this?

I wouldn't lie to you.

I want to forget that the world exists and create my own.

~LA

~

"I thought you stopped."

He found me. Of course, Demont would find me. I sighed and breathed in the smoke, closing my eyes for a second. Demont sat beside me and didn't dare to touch me. He was just there. Waiting. Because he knew I needed a bit of time to swallow that lump in my throat.

"I wanted to," I whispered. Demont gently took the cigarette from my hand. I watched him with empty eyes as he stubbed it out. His golden eyes were calm but I knew from his short and tense movements, he was angry.

"I heard from Bell what happened. Sheila's gonna stay with him for a while."

I nodded. I was angry. At myself, at Shaw... and I felt guilty because of what I had done to Sheila. You are right, I had no right to not tell her, just as Shaw had no right of taking me in and pulling me into this bloody mess.

Demont didn't move. He didn't say anything else and I breathed in.

"I had no right."

Demont nodded.

"No, you didn't."

His warm hand caressed my cheek and turned my face to him. Demont's furrowed eyebrows and gentle eyes made me regret this roof. It made me regret I showed it to him. I wanted to be alone and feel sorry for myself but it wasn't what I needed.

"But that doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a person. We make mistakes, you know?" he smiled a little and I did with him.

"But it was like the same thing, Shaw did to me. I never told her, her origin, although I knew and Shaw never told me what happened to my mother in Virgin's Doom."

"You know those can't compare. Gharette didn't even want to have anything to do with Sheila. And even if he would, he would ruin her life, just like Shaw did yours."

I took a long look at him. Maybe it was true. Maybe he was right but it bothered me. I couldn't bear the thought Sheila would be able to hate me just as much as I hate Shaw.

"Is my life really ruined?"

Demont tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Does it feel like it?"

I looked at the city, the empty warehouses, the bay and the river. I looked at the orange lights and the night of the sky. I laid my head on his shoulder, our fingers entangling.

"No."

The breezy night was our type of time. It was our time to hold each other, laugh with each other and make silly jokes and even sillier tears. It was my and Demon't time. No one else's.

"Do you care for Shaw?" he asked out of the blue.

"I hate him." I looked up at Demont, his eyes pitiful.

"You can't hate him if you don't care."

I think there is a point in our lives where we realise, our past doesn't define us. What defines us, are the decisions we make. I was born a sinner. But when I saw the light Demont Lightenberg radiated with, I knew I just had to... decide.

And I decided, whatever I do today, whatever I do tomorrow, I do for myself. Not for anyone. Not because I need to. But because I wanted to be happy. And no matter what anyone said, no matter what might happen. I realised I would always, always go on.