In My Head 24/7

Depression

I used to be happy, I used to be sad, I used to be mad. I used to be just those things. It was just those three until sadness and anger decided to be a duo and leave out happiness. From there, my depression was born. I find most of my days, if I'm not doing school, i find myself in my bed, dreaming of happier times. My mind is constantly stuck in the past. What if I was to continue in ballet, would I be somewhere today? Why didn't I just choose to go to a different school? Would I be happier if I did? And I find myself worrying more about the future. Will I ever fall in love? Who would want to be with someone who is depressed most of the time? Will I ever be happy? Those are just the thoughts that constantly go through my head. I want them to go away but they just linger in my mind. I feel the mask on my face cracking, they are going to see the pain on my face. Even through the physical mask we have to wear during this pandemic, I feel like my broken smile is showing through the mask. No one wants to confront me. I feel like I'm too weird for my family, friends, and the people around me. I just want to be myself and just be happy with myself but I can't be around the people I walk by. I've lost so much interest in things I love, especially writing. Another one is that I always loved doing youtube but now it's just I lost all motivation. I've lost motivation in becoming a teacher but I'm trying to push myself to keep going. I wish I could have that motivation, could have been covid that made me feel this way. The thoughts of just wanting to end it, just scare me because lately they are at the point I just want to end them all. The thoughts feel like they keep coming like an item on a conveyor belt, sending thoughts of hurting myself and ending it all my way. Many people don't understand why I'm depressed because it makes me seem "ungrateful". That makes sense in a way but I'm not. There's just so much I wish I did in my past. I wish I did better in the past and I wish I could change it but I can't, so those memories just haunt me and taunt me. I wish I could've been a better daughter, I wish I could've been a better sister, I wish I didn't give up on so many things. I have let God back into my life and I know he is in my life because he's in my heart. I feel selfish when I feel like I'm running away from God. It feels like my life is falling apart when I do that. Why can't I just let God into my life? I remember seeing those depression commercials when I was younger and they always said something like this, "Depression hurts." It does. It's not a great thing. It just lingers there and the thoughts of constantly feeling like things won't get better.