The breeze of the crisp fall air nips at my nose. Inhaling 100 scents from the fall leaves to the dew on the grass. Something feels so refreshing about these smells lately. Realizing loving you opened my entire world with a new sense I never felt. Just having you around sent my mind and soul into a frenzy. I was the little kid who walked into a candy store and saw a whole new world. Just a glimpse of your smile made me want to give you the world. Knowing you were too good to be true. As a little girl I always felt like I would have that fairytale dream. Cinderella, Snow White. Sleeping beauty all had a Prince Charming. Just knowing you were mine how you swooped in and saved me while we both were at our lowest but for some reason you still managed to pick me up. So I thought!
We started seeing each other at 19 years old the moment we locked eyes our souls spoke to each other. You were so outgoing and charismatic while I was shy and reserved. Somehow we meshed so well. What started out as fling turned into so much more. Soon long car conversations till the break of dawn turned into long conversations in the house. Taking naps together over each others houses, to trying new dates like monster mini golf and medieval times. I started attending church just to see my drummer boy perform. Everything escalated so fast. I was afraid of being open and vulnerable, but something about you made me trust you. I wanted to risk everything to have the top spot. You instilled so much passion, love, and care just to prove me wrong. My doubts my fears you made them all go away by your sweet subtle words.
Why does this feel like a dream? He picked me up it's only right I do the same. Deep conversations on feelings and securing our future was our primary focus. So excited for his accomplishments like they were mine because he was my second half. Recording all his awards received like signing first lease or new jobs. I was the back half of him now he needed me more than before. Putting his success and accomplishments before my own. I slowly began to fade away in his. He now became my only focus. I saw the roles reverse and the more sad he became, the more it became my job to pick him up and make him better. I was now the backbone of us. Dropping out of school to make sure I was there for his needs. Putting my life on the back burner for him. He was my King and there was no length I wouldn't go to for him.
Isn't that what love is willing to sacrifice yourself for them? Willing to put up with any and everything done to you? Wanting to be accepted so bad you lose yourself. So caught up in the fact of saving him I never realized it was too late to save us.
I found myself constantly needing reassurance after a while. Those sweet words he would constantly say just abruptly stopped. Speaking to his family and friends gaining acceptance from everyone that i was the girl he needed to tie the knot with. Somehow with every one telling me that it made me go harder for him in ways he didn't see. Trying to be his peace while keeping my peace was draining me dry. The delusion would soon take over if I woke up some mornings and just felt sad looking at you. You were no longer my king ,but you were more of my patient. With all our trauma that was never resolved he needed me more than I needed him. I couldn't leave him in this state. I made a promise I would never leave his side. I would promise to heal him despite my own happiness he was starting to suck out of me.
Just as fast as we started is as fast as we ended. He was starting to feel better I thought this is our moment. Soon I heard from him less. Lies and deceit slapping me over the head with a brick. 1 lie turned into 2, 3 lies turned into 9 more. Using gifts and dates to mask the internal pain he caused. More women coming to me daily as a women than before. How? Why? Was I just joke? Started getting invited to nothing he was having, I was no longer included in anything. He acted as if I was his burden that he had to carry around. I was that chip on his shoulder that wouldn't go away. I was true definition of ride or die. I healed him and made a monster. Statements and accusations flying from both mouths selfish, can't communicate, neither of us cared anymore. Just fighting for what we both wanted to be right. When you love someone passionately you fight passionately right? How could I be selfish when I justified his toxic ways. I was the only one that cared. I was in his corner when everyone turned their back on him. Times I pushed him to believe in his self when he couldn't see it. i just wanted to help him be a better version. Replaying the arguments in my head of the toxic things you said " I hate you" "I don't love you", "I'm over you","I'm with someone else" I spoiled him on my worst days. Always willing to go the extra mile. Saw dreams and passions that people never supported and I was there. I was the last to ever leave his side. How can one say such hurtful things to the one who sacrificed the most? Was everything to manipulate and break me? He wanted to hurt me? Not recognizing those same eyes I once looked into so passionately. Same tears I wiped off his face now flow down mine while he just stares. Who is this stranger? He left me broken.
