What if? (Phan)

V

My dearest Phil,

I should have told you before. You deserved to know a long time ago. You saw my arms; this depression has come back, and it's worse than before. Forgive me, but I can't carry on. I'll be long gone by the time you read this. Just don't blame yourself. It's not you. You're amazing and you've helped me through so much. It's not your fault. I was never made for this life. Don't cry over me. I was never worth you. I never deserved you. You're an angel, and I don't know what you saw in me. Please, don't miss me. You'd be the only one, and I don't want you to suffer like that because of me. I love you.

Goodbye, baby.

-Dan

I folded the letter up and put it in my pocket, tears streaming down my face. Something still hadn't quite fallen into place, and this letter fixed my perspective. I had let him down. My boyfriend had tried to kill himself, and what had I done? Just talked to him a little. It was then that I decided.

I hurried back to the hospital. "Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"From now on, I'm going to do whatever it takes to help you. I should have done it before; I don't know why I didn't. You have to work with me. Talk to me about stuff and I'll do what I can, whether that means calling a counsellor or just laying with you. Because I've got to do this, for both of us. I will help you through whatever you need me to."

"Phil, you have helped me! So much. Don't think I did that because I didn't have enough help from you. I did it because I couldn't help myself. And I didn't think I ever would be able to. Now I know I can't. I'm paralysed, Phil. From the waist down, I can't move. I - you hear about these things, but when they happen to you - I need you now. More than ever." He reached for my hand again.

"I know. And I'm not going anywhere."