As far as my addiction went, any reason was a good enough reason to get high. And when there wasn’t any reason, well that was the best reason there could be, boredom. So don’t believe the bullshit excuse of having to numb the pain that your run of the mill addict puts up. It’s nothing more than an ill conceived elaborate facade. And believe me when I tell you, they’ll employ whatever excuse they can, even while knowing that you know it’s nothing more than a bold face lie. And God forbid you call them out on it! It’s only going to enrage them.
This is why I never really lied at the end of the active stage of my addiction.
I have an almost murderous temper when I lose it. So I’d do whatever it took, whether I was high or not, to avoid losing control, not that I was always successful at doing so. But I tried, oftentimes just coming out and letting people know that I was gonna use and that they should just leave me alone to my vice. And most of the time they would.
But not always.
So what I’d do when people used to bother me was head out under the cover of darkness, hiding at the midpoint of Highbridge Park in Harlem, up by Sugar Hill, not exactly the place a person wants to find themselves in the middle of the night.But it kept me safe, albeit within the nest of a park that sees at least a couple of bodies taken out of it any given week.
Maybe that’s why in recovery I’ve learned to avoid parks.
I’ll visit Lake Eola Park from time to time, especially on holidays. But that’s all it is, a visit. I don’t go there to hide the fact that I’m high, which I’m grateful I never am anymore. Oh, and I never go there to look for friends since a lot of the times I’d hang out in Highbridge Park I’d be looking for someone to bring home, which I have a hard time coming to grips with when I consider how careless it was. But it was what it was. I didn’t feel comfortable enough in my own skin to make friends. And I still don’t.
So now I prefer being alone.
I mean yeah. I wouldn’t mind having a couple of friends to hang out with once in a while. But what would we do? I spent about a decade shooting up Crystal Meth. So my social skills are kinda lacking, unless they’d wanna talk about getting high, which wouldn’t even be close to being the best of ideas. And even at that, everyone I befriended while I was using always ended up treating me like dirt as soon as I cut off their supply of Meth, which I was providing free of charge. So it was like I was paying them to be friends! And who wants to have to do that all the time when it feels so degrading? So I guess you could say I’ve become a hermit, or an introvert.
But is that such a bad thing?
I’ve learned to enjoy my own company these days. I’ve also learned to enjoy watching tv again since I don’t have the need to sell the one I have for drugs like I used to. Oh, and as you’ve probably figured out, my thought process has gotten much clearer in the months I’ve been clean, So I enjoy writing, even if what I write only helps me.
Another thing I’ve taken better interest in is what they call self care, which for me includes even the most basic of activities, like keeping my apartment clean, cooking myself some nutritious meals, washing my dishes after I eat, and buying myself some pretty fancy clothes.
But that’s only the physical aspect of my recovery.
Spiritually, I’ve gotten involved with as many activities at the church I attend as I’m able to. I’ve also begun praying again. And I’m working on reading the bible again, even though my limited eyesight means I have to listen to it on my kindle. But God’s Word is His word. So listening does the trick.
Other than that, I’m enjoying a long lost hobby once again.
When I lived out on Long Island, I used to collect curbside treasures, things people were throwing away and I would refurbish or repurpose them to either keep or just give away. And let me tell you, they throw out some amazing finds in the historic district where I live. So I’ve been able to hook my apartment up with some pretty nice stuff. Not that stuff is anything other than stuff, as I learned at the end of my Yellow Brick Road.
But it sure makes me feel comfortable within my beautiful apartment where I now live a beautiful addiction free life.
