The Human Infection

Haircuts

Straight, curly, messy, combed, jelled, dyed, short, long, pigtailed, fancy, and the naturally chaotic. She wasn't looking for comments or compliments, the change was what mattered. Different was exhilarating. It was an estranged emotion that was avoided at all costs.

Being this excited hurt Mattie's heart. The constant stimulation from her social anxiety was taking a taxing toll. No one had noticed. It's not about who likes it. Silently reassuring her panicked brain. Everything shook in front of her, unsteadily trekking through a jungle. Soldering the disquiet inside as if nothing had fell out of order.

Keeping to herself was a talent in and of itself. It wasn't out of necessity that she suppressed all of her feeling. People never seemed to pick up on any of her actual thoughts. Blank stares with shallow breathing were dismissed without a second guess when she insisted that she was fine. Expectations aren't meant to really be met on first couple tries, especially when involving "friendships".

Connections rarely ever came easy for Mattie, even trying was a barrage of new fears and low self-esteem. Everything swirled around in her head like a hurricane going in slow motion.

"Can I go to the bathroom, please?" The words spilling out of her clumsy face before the teacher even acknowledged her question.

A scrunched expression proved that shooting out was an immature reaction to having a full bladder, or in Mattie's case needing something more relieving than that. Nerves high as the teacher sighed and gestured towards the door Mattie was so fast none would have doubted if she had suddenly disappeared.

Halls during class were eerily still, like time had decided to take a break in the middle of the afternoon. A bright window caught her eye and the moment was complete. Perfection. Breathe. Just breathe. Inhale, exhale. If not for her panic attack training the sight might have made Mattie stop her oxygen. Tears jerked at the edges of her pupils, forcing her to ignore the view and scramble to the bathroom.

As soon as the realization that no one else was in the lavatory the sobs burst out in the open. Hearing the cries that echoed around the empty room only made the dread worse. Locking herself in a stall she let every bit of expectation and hope drain out through tears.

When there was no more she shakily grasped the handle on her door and threw it open. A loud crash startled her enough to jump at the sound. Glancing towards the mirror she saw her stained cheeks, runny mascara, and red nose. Note to self don't let anyone see you cry, we are kind of ugly this way. If Gene was here I can only imagine the way he would react.

The smile was real. Gently touching the dimple in her smile the reflection followed. Memories flooded her body with warmth and chaophony. Summers, springs, falls, winters. Everything had traces of their old flames carefully attached and packaged with a bow. Love was distant to her and foreign. It felt like a forgotten language on her tounge uneasy and tripping over pronunciation . Knowing what it should sound like and then saying it wrong all time.

The waterworks almost started again as the endorphins wore off. A small buzz came from her watch and Mattie looked down at the time on her digital watch. She had only been in the bathroom for 7 minutes. Splashing the dehydrated skin on her face she desperately tried to erase the marks that tinted her coloring red.

A voice scared Mattie out of her stupor as a door swung wide with unnecessary flare for a place in a school. Fully consumed by glowing content that blared from their screens. The girls stoped to gossip. Avoiding any kind of contact with the newcomers she frantically left. Halfway through the corridor her air ran out with only 5 minutes to run back to her assigned seat.

Gasping quietly, she forced herself to hurry. In her disheveled state she ran straight into a tallish figure.

"Mattie?" The voice was unsure and questioning. His face was gentle and almost feminine in some ways. Seeing her best friend amplified the disastrous state of her emotions. Making her break out in tears right in front of him. Unhesitantly he hugged her tight, the motion calmed her initial panic.

The horror of her actions only made her shake harder. Pulling Mattie away from his chest he stared into her eyes. They were misty too.

"Bestie," he grinned using the pet name she used to him. "Your hair's beautiful today love the new cut." A burst of compassion flooded out and made her embrace him back.

"You really noticed."

His shy gaze burned itself into her core, tearing her away from reality and flying her off to some dream world. What if he could feel this way because of me? It was a ludacris idea, blushing red as a tomato she broke eye contact.

"Hey," sounding as anxious as she was inside. " I'll always notice you, you're too beautiful to ignore. I love everything about you." Shock took her by storm, destroying the walls that surrounded a guarded heart.

He stuttered, blushed, and tripped over his own feet in an attempt to twist his words into friendship. But she heard him. In was affection stored up from years of admiration on both sides. A light laugh spilled out from her rosy lips. Lifting them to his they share a moment. Each living through the other for a split second before crashing back to Earth. Gravity barely affected them, floating their noses touch ever so lightly growing steadily into something more.

Bliss made the room glow. A warm quiet that came with all flawlessness made the air scald their skin and tear them both up. Din broke out as the bell rang. Everything moved past them placidly. So focused on themselves that the rest of the world faded against the neon backdrop of youthful love.

I love you deeply, truly, and infinitely.