Rebirth; A New Age || seongjoong || ATEEZ

Chapter 17 : A White Flag

Seonghwa knew that the sun loved to play tricks.

He knew that the sun itself was a trick of the mind. He knew that on the brink of insanity it was possible to see exactly what one wanted. Like the story of a wandering man lost in the desert, doomed to roam forever surrounded by sand dunes, who lost his mind and saw an oasis. Though no matter how far or how long he walked, the oasis never came. It was always out of range, the water and vegetation never offered the comfort it promised.

Seonghwa was on the brink of insanity.

The weights holding him back were relentless. Each day that past he seemed to be pulled underwater even more and he couldn't breathe. No matter how well they were doing, no matter how they were recovering, or even no matter how hard they tried to pull him up from the ocean he was drowning in... nothing seemed to help. 

The reminders were there at all times. He couldn't look at San and not remember what they used to have. San was a walking reminder, physical proof of what they lost. And even if San was doing his absolute best to try and not show how bad the loss of his arm was hurting him, Seonghwa could see right through it. He could see the way San would reach for something with the right side of his body, the action so normal- muscle memory- but then not being able to grab anything because he had nothing there.

They all saw it, the way his face would fall and his body would freeze as he was reminded that he was reduced to nothing. But then the forced smile and laugh he would offer them and say that it was fine- that he was just happy to be alive- was nothing less of a backhanded compliment. He was trying his best every day, but even San couldn't avoid the pit of depression that swallowed him whole. The firey and energetic man they once used to know was no more.

The change was there in all of them really. Wooyoung was different- had grown up the most out of all of them. He didn't shy away from a gun or a knife, there was no hesitation when he had to use it. The blank look in his eye when blood was splattered onto his face was sickening, there was almost no resemblance of the young and pure boy Seonghwa had seen when he found him behind the dumpster years ago. He did what he had to, killed who he had to. Wooyoung claimed that he had to step up- since San was unable to do anything- that he was just going to do what needed to be done.

He said it was the least he could do.

Seonghwa disagreed, but said nothing. He couldn't when Wooyoung looked so hopeless when he watched San try to relearn how to redo everyday tasks and struggle pathetically with each one.

Yunho and Mingi were quiet and kept to themselves. It wasn't much different than what it used to be like but Seonghwa could see the slight difference. The terrible cold Mingi had seemed to have done something mental to him. Seonghwa couldn't put a finger on it, but it was the way Mingi talked now and the way he never asked for a single favor when his body grew weak. He wondered if the taller man felt guilty, if he felt like he had been a burden during those winter months when they fought every minute for their lives. Yunho stayed outside, a different car tool in hand each time Seonghwa saw him, working on a never-ending project.

Something always wasn't quite right. Something always needed to be fixed. He was busy from dusk 'til dawn, every day the same thing, performing the same tasks like a robot.

And then there was Hongjoong.

Hongjoong who had snatched up a battery-powered radio on one of their trips out and then decided to disappear into the room he slept in and never come out unless he had to. Seonghwa had no idea what he did in there with it, no one did, but the bags under his eyes every time he came out spoke more than words ever could.

"I can't give up," he would say every time without fail. "I have to keep trying."

He never said what he meant by that, and no one asked him either.