The Phoenix's Journal

Chapter 8: December 8 and December 9

-Septe- December 8

My head still hurts from yesterday :(

The Handler hasn't come by yet. I wonder if I scared him off? I hope that isn't the case.

December 9

I write this under lamplight. I haven't slept yet. The Handler came by earlier. He seemed pretty scared, too, because I saw him on the porch and had to invite him inside again. He was pacing outside. I wonder what he was thinking.

It makes me so sad to know I've frightened him. I don't aim to be a horrible person, and with my memory loss, I don't remember what would be considered his boundaries.

He came into the house shivering. It made me wonder where my cold protection clothes were. Although I didn't, I felt this need to hold him. My hands were warm, so surely he'd enjoy the warmth, right? But, considering my boundary issue from earlier, I refrained from doing so else scaring him off back into the cold.

"Hhi, Agent," he chattered. "How are you d-doing?" I shrugged. "Lov- Lovely, well, I was uhhh... um..."

He trailed off. I grabbed his arm and brought him to the couch to sit down and relax. It was the same couch we sat on last time, I remember.

"Oh- thank you. It's nice and warm in here..."

I let him take the time to warm up and collect his thoughts. "I... just... wanted to say, uh, sorry. For yesterday. I didn't mean to hit you in the head..." He brushed his gloved hand against the red mark on my forehead. "I know your memory is still really bad... I hope that didn't change anything." His voice then turned pitiful. "Do you... still remember me?"

I smiled and nodded. It's hard to forget one like him. I wanted to tell him that I'd been thinking about him all day.

"Oh, thank heavens!" He hugged me. I'm not sure whether I should've been surprised or not surprised due to the moment from yesterday. My neck still tingles from where his arms were, a wavering scale of warm and cold...

I got the feeling he didn't want to let go, either. When I raised my arms to hug back, his hold tightened. One of my hands on the back of his head, the other over his waist, I pulled him close. He was such a delight to hold. If hugs always feel that way, then I have to hug him more often. Somehow, he felt like a home to me. To think, this man I've known for maybe three days tops suddenly means to much to me...

Poor thing. I wish I could remember him, just to make him happy. I hope I loved him then as much as he loves me now. I would give anything to see him smile.

Hello, journal. You may have noticed the small gap in between my last writing and my writing now.

I had to take a moment to collect myself. For, you see, I don't... remember what happened. It was a sudden sinking feeling, where I left off, a heavy worry laid in my mind. I almost want to cry over it. My memory... it's become so horrible, I can't remember an event from maybe 2? 3 hours ago?

I feel a terrible looming sense upon me. What does this mean? I haven't forgotten Tape Man, nor have I forgot about you in those events or now. I fear waking up tomorrow, for I could lose my memory and start all over again. Though the ignorance would be bliss, I don't want to forget. I want to know whom I once was, I want to find my old self again. I don't want to forget. I feel at the bottom of the ocean. So deep, so dark, so heavy, yet nothing to guide me. I don't want to forget...

My mind and heart feel weary. I hate to do this, but I bid good night to you. I must sleep. If Tape Man finds you before I do, then please be good to him. I wish him good tidings, and hope he finds himself peace.

December 9

Good morning, journal! You may have noticed my double December 9. I think I wrote my last entry this morning. There's a potent, heavy feeling about that entry, though, so I haven't looked it over.

I'm quite enjoying myself today. I'm doing pretty good, and have decided to eat anything in the kitchen I deem edible. I don't know how much kitchen there is left but it won't last long >:)