listen before i go

Day One*

After staying up all night, scrolling and browsing through her phone, she didn't expect the time to already be 7.15 am. She realized that she needs to get ready quickly, for online school. 

She got off her bed, washed her face, and tied her hair. She turned on her laptop and waited for classes to start. She promised herself yesterday that she will wake up and shower before school. Ever since she started to not shower before school, it became a habit and she showers almost once every week. She hasn't brushed her teeth in a while too. She feels disgusting but she just can't do it. I guess they're the side effects. 

She joined her first class, her second class...*time skip*....

3.34 pm

Classes have finished, she didn't bother to start on her piling assignments, she gave up on them months ago. 

She lied down on her bed, stared into the ceiling. And she felt the similar feeling of extreme guilt for skipping most of her classes, not listening at all and never finishing her assignments.  She always asked herself "Why can't I do anything right?", She believes that she tried everything, she has no idea what to do anymore. No matter what she does, she just can't do anything, no one understood why, even Hazel herself never understood herself. 

She looked at her study table, seeing all the cups and bottles, plastic wrap from cookies and different empty packs of random snacks, food all over the table. She felt unsatisfied about it so she decided to clean it. She carefully picked up the cups and realized it had to take 2 trips to get all the cups and bottles. After she washed them, she swept up all the crumbs and wiped off all the dried food on the table.

After she was finished her mom says "Wow, finally you cleaned your table, it isn't that hard is it?" Hazel just sighs and continues heading into her room. She lies down on her bed and started listening to music, imagining different fake scenarios to keep her distracted. She thought to herself that the fact she has to imagine getting affection from someone she doesn't even know says something about her daily life.

She didn't eat that day, all she had were 2 cups of milo, one during the morning and one during the night. She didn't feel hungry so she didn't eat much. Her friends in her group chat tried to convince her to eat, but she refused, saying she's fine and she isn't that hungry. 

She texted them for hours on end until she fell asleep. She's extremely grateful for them, they were all there for her when she's struggling, she finds it very strange that she trusts them more than her own family. 

She slept around....4 am? I guess it's...progress???....not really. She always gets mad at herself for that. 

This has probably been the same thing every day ever since covid started. She has no idea how to fix it. Whenever she feels down, she would listen to songs to relate to what she's feeling, she has her own playlist. 

She always imagines herself studying abroad, in a foreign country, with international students and international lecturers. But, considering her current state, she knows she won't be able to make it, and she hates herself for it. It honestly hurts and it's very frustrating. She hates it. Sometimes the feelings are too much, she just starts bawling her eyes out. 

Her life is kinda messed up. 

Her parents divorced when she was 4 years old, she remembers it very vividly but at that time, she didn't understand what was going on. She remembers that her mother was crying on the phone, sitting on the stairs of her old house. She remembers walking up to her mother and calming her down, her mother taught her that if anyone is crying, and you don't know why, sit down with them and comfort them, doesn't matter who it was. The whole time she thought her dad was just away from home in Iraq since his current job takes place in Iraq.  She thought that he had to stay there for awhile, but now, it all made sense. 

She was a smart kid, a gifted one. Her mother never scolded her before. 

Ever since she turned 11 and got her period, everything went downhill. For some reason, her old, gifted and smart self is gone. All she does now is lie, argue with her mom, her brother hitting her and using her as a slave every chance he gets. 

Both her parents got married to different people. If she had to choose, she would definitely choose to live with her father and her step-mom including her baby brother.  But she can't do that since her mother got custody of her and her older brother. 

She's confused. Why does her brother hate her so much? Aren't older brothers supposed to protect the younger sibling? Yeah, sure he does protect he sometimes but when they're alone, he turns around and suddenly treats her like shit. Saying things that hurt, calling he names, making fun of her, calling her selfish, telling her to do things for him or else he'll hit her. 

Ever since she was young, she was afraid of him. She doesn't want anyone to step all over her head like that but with her brother? She's terrified of him and honestly, she is so tired of dealing with him. She hates her brother. Every time she tells her mother about it, she just brushes it off like its nothing. She's sick and tired. Tired of everything, of life. 

She wants to end it, but it's forbidden in her religion. It's ridiculous how the only thing stopping her from doing it is her religion and not her family, at all. Everything's going through her head, but she feels like there's nothing there.

She's screaming for help, it's either they don't hear it, or they're just ignoring it. 

"It's a phase" - Her mother.

A/N

**if there is a star in the title, it means the chapter might be a little triggering to some people

Hope you enjoyed the first chapter, have a great day everyone :)))