WANTTOGOBEYOND?

Lost

Cold is how I am feeling right now. I do not know where I am nor do I remember how I got here. I try to make sense of my surroundings which looks grey and feels freezing, no wind though. I look down to check my feet but I do not see any. "Am I floating?" I look more intently, still cannot see them even though I can feel them. "I know I am standing but how?" I again look around to make sense of the place. I see landscapes, more like silhouette of hills, my vision seems blurry so I try to rub my eyes but I do not feel them either. "What the???! I must have eyes!! How am I seeing things if not?" I try to check my hands and fingers but nothing. I can feel I have hands but I cannot see them? I can see but I cannot feel my eyes? I know I am standing but I cannot see my feet? I have never been so confused. I look around again and I feel like I want to walk towards a big silhouette of hills then I wonder how will I do that? I do not have feet! I keep on looking at the silhouette and it grew bigger and bigger as if I was moving towards it somehow. "Wow, so I just need to focus where I want to go!" Now I am in front of it but still it looks dark and shapes look abstract.

I try to remember the last thing before I got here, "think think think..." then I remember running and wondering "everything is so big." I felt green grasses poking my feet, slightly tickling too, then I felt leaving the ground in a whoosh and I was above the ground but I was not scared, I knew my father was holding me tight, he wouldn't let me fall. I then realize that's my childhood memory, not the last thing that happened before I arrived here!

I look at another shape slightly further which is equally grey. I feel I should go there and it starts getting bigger as I keep staring at it. It looks like a tree but it's not green, I stay under it and try to remember more. May be I should sit down I think but I don't have feet I sigh "...focus on remembering!" I think again and I remember a face. The face was looking at me smiling. Seeing the face smile was making me feel warm, "Happy is the word!" and I felt like I was hearing giggles from somewhere. I think harder and I could see Seema behind me giggling and I was in front of Aakash, his hands were stretched towards me holding a card with red heart on it. I feel like I am blushing and my heart is beating faster "...but I don't have cheeks! But do I have a heart?" I want to check but I don't have hands. I realize that was when I was 13, not the last thing before I came here. I am starting to feel scared now, I want to scream but I do not have mouth. "What is happening?"

I again look around, I then see something moving. "I should focus on that so I can get closer to it" I think. I keep looking at it as it slowly started getting bigger. It is grey too but lighter than background grey, it looks like a fog, like the one I had seen in winter mornings. I remember my breath used to look that way too during those cold winter mornings then I immediately remember sipping on hot tea and I miss the warmth. I look up, or what feels like up and it is all dark too. No sun! I wonder if it is apocalypse and if I survived it, "but I don't have my body!"

I am now in front of the fog like thing. I look at it closely and I feel like it is looking back at me too but it does not have a face I think, neither do I, I remember. I say hello and no sound comes out. I try again and again but nothing. I just stay in front of the Fog trying to speak. Fog also looks like it is looking back at me, as if trying to listen to me too or speak to me, I do not know. We stay there for some time I think, I do not know if time exists here either. I do not know if it is morning or afternoon or night "...must be night, its dark." I try to rationalize. Fog starts moving, I start panicking about being alone again so I follow. It stops every now and then, so do I and I move when it does.

I know Fog knows I am following it. It even seems like it wants me to follow, it is making sure I keep up. I think that is the best option I have right now so I follow. I keep on thinking how did I get here in the first place and why am I here? Then I start panicking again, "Am I dead?" I look around and see same grey silhouette of hills, but now I can see winding path like shapes too, it is in different shade of grey. I never knew grey could have so many shades I wonder. I pause and think, Fog paused too as if it is waiting for me. I again ask myself to try and recall my last memory, when I had a body. I act as if I am squeezing my eyes shut to focus and remember even though I do not have eyes. However, I focus hard and I finally remember I was 19 years old and I was with my best friend. I try to think harder how long back was it, "it was 1986" I remember sighing. What time is it now I try to calculate but how am I supposed to do that? There is no sun nor moon, how will I know how long has it been since that time. Memories are coming to me in flashes and I feel colder, "I do not have body, how am I feeling cold?" I wonder again. I want to go home, but where is home, what is home I think. I look at Fog again, it is still waiting for me to move I guess. As I get closer, it started moving further so I followed behind.