a/n: this one is serious <3
i decided to NOT go with the coin flip idea and instead to give the moment the weight it deserves. i also was damn near about to pass out so i couldn't even think about making jokes.
started by saying "i've been really anxious recently. and it sucks because it feels like every single one of my friends are now all saying the same thing and i've been ignoring them anyways." and i did go off a bit about how angry i was that everyone was done holding space for my emotions and were telling me to just suck it up and do something.
he was like, "oh yeah no that can be frustrating i know it's annoying when you are getting advice and you really just need space to yell."
"...no they are all right i'm just being a little bitch about it." they laughed a bit which was nice.
i tried to be like "oh the reason i've been so anxious is bc i like you" but i literally almost started crying so i could only get through half of that before choking up.
i just stared at the fountain trying to make myself say it. attempted to take a sip of my soda to calm down but i couldn't and i just gave up and put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. I took off my glasses and everything (i live for drama y'all know this)
at this point they are concerned and have already tried to tell me that i really don't have to say it if I don't want to and i'm insisting, "no I need to it's going to help" and they tried to pat me on the back and when i say i almost sucked those feelings back in and lied about it. y'all. patting me on the back? i oughta knock that bitch right out.
so naturally i say "don't FUCKING pat my back right now"
they were like "oh shit alright" and sounded a little scared (lmao) and i was like "don't. don't encourage this."
THEN. GIRLS GAYS AND THEYS. I SAID:
"i like you. i have for a while."
IF I WAS STANDING UP I WOULDA PASSED THE F U C K OUT. THAT TOOK YEARS OFF MY LIFE SPAN. YEARS.
honestly i wish i could tell you what happened immediately after but again i was so stressed i couldn't think. pretty sure they said "oh. oh i wasn't expecting that" and i was like "haha yeah. right. wish i could say the same"
it was quiet for a minute and once i realized i didn't die i was so fucking relieved. i straight up leaned back on the bench with my eyes shut and breathed because i was so glad that i said it. y'all were so fucking right. anyways.
pretty sure they were talking at this point and saying something like "i'm so flattered. also definitely wasn't expecting this." and i was like so relieved that i forgot to tell them half of what i planned. they were like "i have to be honest i have no idea what to do right now" and i did the second half of my spiel, which ladies and gentlefolk i absolutely killed this part:
"sorry i meant to say this earlier but i was so relieved i actually said anything at all that i completely forgot.
i've had months to sit on this, this is not news to me. i've processed and thought about this so much i genuinely don't think there is an angle i haven't covered. i wouldn't be telling you if i hadn't tried literally everything under the sun first.
all this being said, everything is on your terms. i'm the one putting this on your plate, and i'm absolutely prepared for whatever you want to do with this. if you want to go home and pretend like this never happened? i could do that. if you wanted to ask me questions or yell at me or anything i'd be ready. i purposely did this outside the apartment so if you wanted to walk back and have us go in our rooms so you could think i absolutely get it.
i also am going to be gone for 6 weeks so you have time to think about this without seeing me everyday and feeling pressured. i'm really really sorry to put you in this position but i was physically sick from anxiety. i was so stressed i would say it under the influence or worse while you are under the influence. i didn't want to make you spiral.... or something"
and then i just kinda apologized and asked how he was feeling.
(NOTE: when i say i didn't even type that to make myself sound good but i actually said that shit. y'all i'm hot for that. frfr. anyways. )
then they were like "oh wow. wow you've really thought about this. i'm really thankful that you've been so considerate about it and so mature about these emotions. i'm really sorry you've been going through this" and at this point i kinda put together that they didn't like me back and were trying to let me down easy so i wanted to reassure him that i have already preemptively broken my own heart and that if he was uncomfortable and wanted to leave he was totally welcome to.
but then he says the one thing i didn't think to prepare for,
"you know its funny you mention that..."
AUTHORS NOTE: YALLLLLLLLL IT'S GETTING HEATED. NEXT UPDATE IN LIKE 5 MINUTES.
